


Moonlit Love

by WackyWordsmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crushes, Developing Relationship, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Full Moon, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Lily Evans Potter is a Good Friend, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Likes Chocolate, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Sacrifice, School, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Werewolves, Young James Potter, Young Lily Evans Potter, Young Love, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:29:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WackyWordsmith/pseuds/WackyWordsmith
Summary: I've always loved the night sky, illuminated by tiny stars flickering just out of reach. It's filled with mysteries and unsolvable questions: A person can live their whole life unaffected by all the things happening overhead.I wish that was the case for me. This strange affliction of mine had a reason: I'd watch the moon every night as it followed through the same cycle, never once detouring. Though I watch it every night, I've never seen the full moon, for the glowing circle in the sky marks the madness of a monster; One I'd never be rid of.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Reader, Remus Lupin/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	1. The Full Moon Approaches

Tiredness embedded itself in my bones with every step and laced itself further inside my body. I'd slept restlessly most of the night, darkness blurring together in a jumbled heap of memories as if I'd never slept at all. It was always like this the days approaching the full moon: Tired yet unable to sleep as my body fought with itself to ignore the gnawing sense of pain growing by the day.

The loud sounds of the great hall scratched through my sensitive ears and filled my head with the obnoxious screeching of my fellow students. Even though I could feel the knot of headache forming I put a smile on my face, acting as though I wasn't silently suffering. My smile was all I had, a false pretension of good times that I could keep up even when at my lowest point.

My smile felt heavy and any joyful greetings that tried to cross the threshold of my lips were to weighted to make it off my tongue. I'd like to call myself sharp-witted, perhaps that was my ego creeping in, but as the waxing gibbous grew so did my fragility.

"(Y/N)!" A soft voice rang louder than the rest, it's sound soothing like the fresh, undulate breeze on a chilly December morning. My tired eyes softened at the sight of Lily waving me over, her softly delicately crafted hand motioning for me to sit. "We figured best to let you sleep in a bit since you seemed so tired last night."

I gave her a curt nod and moved my gaze across the table to meet a pair of softly set brown eyes, tufts of chocolaty locks falling to cover the tired, handsome face. Words weighed on my tongue as I put on my cheerful front. "Good morning Remus!"

He flinched back as if the sharpened pitch of my voice had cut at his eardrums. A sorrowful regret prickled at my skin as his pained expression was quickly replaced a ghostly smile. "How do you do (Y/N)?"

"I'm doing well. I finished reading the ninth edition of Magical Mammals yesterday."

The phantom of his smile seemed to glow, his lips curling evermore so upward and into something that resembled a fervent smile. "The way they display hippogriffs in that edition is eye-capturing. Both the description and illustrations called out to me."

"Personally I preferred their chapter on werewolves." My thumbs twirled together as I recalled the crinkled pages stained by blood: Both added to the dangerous allure of the monsters described within it's pages. "Beautiful creatures described as monsters."

"They are monsters: Ghastly beasts with undeniably monstrous traits." His soft brown eyes hardened in a matter of moments. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I sensed the slightest change in presence coming from the usual sweet boy.

What do I say in response to that? When a werewolf shifts on the full moon they're no longer human: Any instincts they had is replaced by a carnivorous intent to kill any living thing nearby. It's as though their human side had never existed and for that night they were truly a savage beast.

"Why so grim?" Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus' shoulder, bringing the boy closer to his chest in the form of a side hug. That was the moment Remus went back to normal, his mysterious brown eyes returning to their usual warmly welcoming state. "It seemed like you two were talking about death or something. Afraid a dementor may come and get you both?"

"You're being so loud Sirius." The taller boy complained as he shrugged himself out of Sirius' grasp. I had half expected the asinine boy to complain but surprisingly he didn't make any move to touch Remus what-so-ever, he even lowered his voice in compliance to his plead for serenity.

Both began to speak in hushed whispers, so low that even with my heightened senses around the coming moon I couldn't hear. Shaking it off I turned to Lily, her brilliantly fiery locks pulled back into a loose ponytail as she bit into some pancakes. From the corner of my eye I saw Remus sleepily shake his head, Sirius comfortingly laying his hand on Remus shoulder.

"Are you not going to eat (Y/N)?" Lily swallowed the last bit of her food and turned to me, her green eyes shimmering in the banal light of the great hall. "I've noticed you've been skipping meals again. Is there something wrong?"

Remus perked his head upwards and looked at me and Lily, though he quickly turned back to talking with Sirius and Peter. I smiled to myself before shaking my head, Remus was just looking out for a friend, that's all. "I'm fine Lily, just haven't been all that hungry these past few days."

"Well if you aren't eating then would you accompany me to the library? There's a book I'd like to check out before class today." I nodded my head and stood up, my hands clutching the edge of the table as I steadied myself. The world around me spun but I held onto my smile as if it was the only thing keeping me standing upright.

"Lily flower~" A distinctively smooth voice spoke clearly from behind us. "How would you like to accompany me to Hogsmeade on this fine weekend?"

"I'll go on a date with you Potter." Lily said with a flutter of her long lashes, her green eyes dangerously sparkling with mischief. "When pigs fly."

"Lily what are you talking about? James already knows how to fly?" Sirius chimed in from across the table, a hand running through his messy long hair. His signature smirk was prominent across his lips when he gave a slight wink to his dashing friend standing before us.

"I'm not a fan of bestiality, so I'll have to pass on that date. Perhaps you could go ask Sirius, he is a dog after all." Lily sent a testing look towards the pureblood across the table, his only response was a shrug of his broad shoulders.

"(Y/N) if it's not to much trouble would you like to walk to class with me?" His voice was deep and enchanting like the inky night sky, and I wished he would never stop using is. "Marlene just walked in so I have a sinking feeling those four will be arguing for quite some time."

"Of course Remus." I grabbed my bag from it's spot on the floor and turned to look at the taller boy, his height clawing past mine forcing me to look up and meet his gaze. Looking upwards my eyes filled with bright light, only adding to the forming knot in my head. My smile was wistful as I tried my best to keep a strong yet sweet look on my face.

Together we left the great hall, chatting innocently of our favorite books. Remus and I had been friends since our very first day at Hogwarts when I sat beside him at dinner. I remember my affliction as I saw him sitting alone with his nose stuffed in the spine of a book: He reminded me much of the person who I'd pushed deep within myself, someone insubstantial and afraid of hurting others.

Ever since then I'd always hung around Remus, trying to hearten him up when he had off days: Like today. When the full moon approached he'd become tired and wary, it showed on his attractively scarred face. The usual insightful person I'd become such good friends with was replaced by a sickly young man who's eye bags could hold the weight of the world.

"Lily said you weren't eating as much." His words had come sudden to me, ripping me from my thoughts like a bandage on skin. I could hear the worry tinting his voice as his hand calmly rested on my shoulder. "You're certain you're fine?"

I nodded and gave him the largest smile I could manage, ignoring the tiredness dripping from my eyes like a cry for help. It'd taken me a long time to gain the ability to keep a fictitious smile on my face and I wasn't letting it falter anytime in the near future. To the people of Hogwarts I was a happy-go-lucky girl with a buoyant attitude: Not many people ever noticed the subtle change that overtook my personality once a month.

"Are you okay Remus?" We'd been walking for several minutes, our steps entwined in an eternal dance of paired solitude. Though we've been friends for so long yet we both knew there were secrets we weren't ready to share. "You look really tired."

The smile fell away for the first time and he hesitated taking another step, our feet falling out of rhythm. I stopped and turned towards him and for the first time I saw past the face he put up. In that moment I saw everything falter, but then soon enough he looked at me, his eyes sparkling with an unknown thoughts.

"Copying my thought process like that?" His voice was so quiet and low, ringing with a tiredness that matched mine. "To find yourself, think for yourself."

"Socrates." My voice flowed through the hall and fell on the ears of ghosts. "A philosopher and an amazing wizard."

Remus nodded and grabbed a book from his bag, the leather bound cover scarred and worn from years of use. He gently laid it in my hand, the book thick with timeworn pages. "I found this book on a back shelf so I decided to look into it. It's really helped me out with some things so I thought you'd enjoy it as well."

I ran my hand over the cover, my fingers gently caressing the engraved crimson letters. 'Ideology - An Advanced Guide To Ancient Thoughts'. The book seemed to hold it's own spot in time, forgotten in periods past. "What's it about?"

"Read it to find out." Remus laid his hand on mine, and gave it a gentle squeeze for comfort I hadn't know I needed. "You seem to like the same books that I do, so I thought you'd really enjoy this one."

"I'll read it right away Remus, but right now we've got to go to class." His hand fell from mine and I watched as his fingers curl into a fist, crumpling a nonexistent sheet of paper before falling limp. I put up my smile like nothing had happened: Remus didn't need to worry about me, nobody did, I'm fine on my own.


	2. The Hidden Admirer

"Amortentia is considered the most powerful love potions, so strong that it smells like your truest of love." Professor Slughorn's voice droned on throughout the class, his words piercing my ears and augmenting to my already acute headache. "Now please work with your partner and use your books to research the necessary ingredients for amortentia. You have fifteen minutes until class if over so just work quietly until then."

His voice was replaced by conversations throughout the room, no person heeding his words of serenity. I turned to my side to finally acknowledged the tufts of brown locks falling on my shoulder. Remus' body pressed against my side as his head lay gently atop my shoulder: He looked so at peace in his rest that I couldn't dare wake him.

Sleep was the only thing plaguing my mind but it was the one thing that I couldn't do as of this moment. My smile fell down towards a frown as I grabbed the book off our table and laid it in my lap. It's pages worn from the past year of use, stained by countless imprudent potion stains. Remus never stirred as I read through the informative book, reading and analyzing our next assignment for potions.

The quiet breathing of Remus was the only thing keeping me from suffer the same fate as him: I'm not one of the other marauders but I know that he takes pride in his excellent grades. I'd absolutely hate if he got a bad grade because of me.

Even as the monthly tiredness etched it's way through my body, embedding itself deep within my muscles and trying to stop my cognitive thought, I pushed through it. When people started to realize what you are they forget who you are. If I endure a smile every full moon then I can only hope no one will catch on.

"(Y/N)?" Lily's gentle voice called out to me, inducing me from my thoughts and forcing my head to perk up. The smile snaked it's way back onto my lips and took it's spot as an abhorrent lie. "We really need to get going to Charms; Are you almost ready?"

"Actually, I was hoping to get Remus back to his dorm room first. He hasn't been looking very well so I think it'd be best if he got some rest." My hands wrapped securely around the book laying in my lap as I used to to anchor myself to the waking world. "Could you possibly go look for James and Sirius?"

I could see the hesitation entwining itself to her smile as she silently pleaded for me to renounce my request. My (E/C) eyes softened and with it so did her expression: All I received was a gentle head shake before she wandered off in search of the rebellious group of boys. Remus gentle breaths filled the room and masked my own pained puffs of air.

With time to waste my eyes drifted shut and my thoughts were confronted by a hazed darkness. My headache dripped away as the void nullified the painful sight of the light. It was a small meticulous moment that gave me time to rack through my thoughts and recenter myself. If it wasn't for the presence pressed against my side I'd likely have fallen asleep.

"Are you okay (Y/N)?" The sudden sharp voice tore through my ears and wrecked my momentary peace. My eyes fluttered open but instead of my lovely friend Lily there was short blonde boy looking at me with pure benevolence.

"I'm fine Peter." I gave a subtle gesture towards the sleeping boy pressed softly against my side. "Not entirely sure of Remus though, he drifted off very early during class so I'm a bit worried. I'd like it if you three could take him to the hospital wing or mayhaps your dorm."

James crooked smile fell for the smallest of seconds and I could tell that even the rumbustious boy had fallen to Remus jaded charm. As soon as I'd saw the change in expressions it was gone and replaced with his usual rambunctious attitude. "No need to worry a hair on your pretty head, (Y/N)! Remus has been feeling a bit ill so we'll just be taking him to our dorm for the rest of today."

"We'll take good care of him!" Peter chimed in to try and convince me even more that they wouldn't harm the tired male resting his eyes on my shoulder. The two boys, one tall and confident the other short and nervous, both gently helped Remus stand on his own feet.

He blinked several times, just awakening from his slumbers, and only took short notes of his surroundings before he was ushered away by James and Peter. A groggy voice flooded its way through the room and I admired the way its sound filled my ears with pure ecstasy. Nobody answered Remus' perplexed questions as they walked down the hall.

I took focus to their footsteps sounding throughout the hallway as they walked further and further away, leaving me and a rebellious mean alone in the potions room. "Shouldn't you be going with them Black?"

"Shouldn't you be resting (L/N)?" He moved to sit atop the chair they'd pulled Remus from and leaned himself on top our shared counter top. His unruly hair fell and cupped his face in a darkened mood. "You look as though someone pushed you out the astronomy tower but even so you went to class."

"Sirius Black paying attention to something that's not himself or a his next shag, never thought I'd see the day." My taunt had been friendly but it only seemed to further spoil his mood. I'd only meant to scratch the surface in this conversation but I'd struck a cord deeper within his untold thoughts.

"I may not seem like the smartest to most people, but I am perceptive." He turned to look at me, his dark eyes sunken deep but shallow with emotions hiding away somewhere far beyond my reach. "So I have to ask what's going on with you. Lily said you haven't been eating and I'm assuming by the bags under your eyes you haven't been sleeping well either."

When you think of Sirius Black, the first thing that comes to your mind is a sex-driven teenage boy with no depth or reasoning; So who was I talking to now? We'd only shared a dozen or two conversations throughout our time at Hogwarts and I'd never seen him this way. With a serious attitude that matched his pure blood status I was frightened to find he could ever act in such a way.

"Why would you take notice of me Sirius Black?" I turned to face him, my book nearly falling from my lap and onto the muggy floor. "Not once in these past six years have you truly given a damn about a girl that isn't wanting to have sex with you and let me assure you I am not one of those girls."

He held my dulcet gaze in the gloomy potions room, never once wavering while looking at me. How would he feel if he knew of my true nature. Could he do the same if he learned that he'd been staring down a professed monster?

"I don't want to shag you (Y/N)." The majority of our interactions consisted of mockingly using our last names. I'd heard him say my first name maybe once or twice before but now it held such a different air: One that dripped with a familiar friendly feel. "However someone I know definitely does."

"Would you like to share the identity of this person?" Sirius gave a shake of his head, the matted locks of dark hair shaking with just the slightest movements. It had been an inane question filled by my delusional mind, fluttering with ineptitude to make a competent thought process. "Fair point I guess, but what exactly does that have to do with you keeping an eye on me Black?"

"They asked me to protect you..." His voice trailed off into a place that I could not follow, the fields of his mind where thoughts blossomed with astute prowess. "I plan on keeping my word to them, so I'm going to do what I can to help you."

I tilted my head to the side as I tried to glance into the depths of his unreachable mind; Just attempting to gather the slightest idea from the train of thoughts that ran through his head. How much did Sirius Black suspect of me? "If this person cares for my safety so much then why hadn't they taken it about themselves to ensure that I was doing well?"

"You really cut to the point, don't you? When that fake smile disappears you're a different person." He let out an arid chuckle and ran a hand through his tangled hair, gently tugging at the knotted sections before giving up. "There is love, of course. And then there's life, its enemy."

"Jean Anouilh. I knew you were more intelligent than people make you out to be, but knowing such a quote from a renowned dramatist is not what I'd expected."

"Someone at Hogwarts adores you (L/N), and they want to keep you safe from the pitiless, sedulous ways that life has to knock you down." Sirius stood up, his hair no longer moving with a gentle shake. Everything about him seemed to stiffen as if it knew the coming conversation was not one of fun and joy. "They want to keep you safe, not from the world, but from them. If they get to close you might end up getting scratched."

"Why would they need to protect me from their self?"

"Monsters aren't beasts with eight legs but instead a person who stands on their own two feet and fights against god. If you knew what they really were, then you would never want to be near them again."


	3. Black of Night

Sirius words stuck inside my head throughout the rest of the day; The image of the reckless young man turning into someone so honestly somber. It was a strange thing that I'd never expected from him but I'd learned of many things I hadn't expected to hear of.

People admired me but those few liked the smiley happy girl who I pretended to be. They were in love with the idea of a constant stable smile and not the monstrous beast that lurked below the surface, circling in my mind as it prepared to strike. So many people who adored me would never do so if I let my smile drip for even a second, thus I kept that taxing look on throughout the day.

In the echoing darkness of the night I allowed it to fall, my eyes quickly darting to the my right where Lily laid snoring then to the left where Mary Macdonald shifted uneasily in her bed. For a moment I took a second to close my eyes and focused on my heavy, deep breaths. It was a calm feeling in the midst of a horrible storm raging inside my own head.

Though I wanted nothing more than to drift back to sleep and forget about the coming transformation that would ensue in only twenty-four short hours; I knew that it would never happen. It always played out this way, if I wanted to forget and rest my eyes then they were forced open by a painful ache settling in my skull and traveling along my spine.

Sitting up in my all to comfortable bed I slowly removed the warm covers draped across my lower half and stepped out onto the cold wood floor of our dormitory. A chill crawled up from the flat of my feet, sending goosebumps across my body. Every step I took was well thought as I easily avoided the creaky boards littering our floor. After several minutes of panicking I'd wake one of my roommates I made it to my desk.

I lit a candle and sat down in the cool chair, its wooden material digging uncomfortably into my skin. Reaching down into my satchel I grabbed my notebook, its leather-bound cover smoothing my calloused fingers. Flipping through the pages I found the notes which I'd taken during class today: After my conversation in the early morning that I'd shared with Sirius the hours blurred together and before I knew it the lights to our dorm were out and I was staring into darkness.

My scrabble sprawled across the page, reaching into the corners as it set out detailed notes of important topics we'd covered. I'd like to say my handwriting was nice, and to standard it was, but as the full moon inched closer my steady handedness left me. Grabbing several pages of paper from my drawer I began to write the words in elegant cursive writing. The words curved across the page and painted a picture of magnificent knowledge.

Minutes ticked into hours as time slowly trickled away, the moon moving in a dance across the sky. My eyelids held the weigh of an unbearable pain as I scribbled more and more words across pages of paper: Eventually after several hours of work I held four separate copies of the notes I'd taken in class.

Taking a moment I stretched my cramped hands to try and regain the feeling through the numbness. Letting out a long sigh I grabbed the copies and crisply folded them with neat corners before stuffing them into separate envelopes. Grabbing my quill I wrote four names across the white area of the envelopes: Sirius, James, Peter, and finally the one I took the most care in writing Remus. Their names stared back at me and for a moment I regretted making them thinking that I couldn't bring myself to slide them under their door.

Across my desk was a small pot of four o'clocks, the white flowers seeming to glow in the dim light of the room. As if the flower called out to me I plucked it from its stem and laid it atop the small stack of letters. The white of the petals complimented the beautiful names written neatly on the envelopes in a way I was far to tired to explain.

Standing up I stretched my body to try and rid it of an immobile tiredness that never wanted to leave my body. After several seconds of being sure I was stable standing upright I began to walk, my bare feet smacking lightly against the wood as I made my way to the door. Looking back I made sure my roommate were still asleep; Of course they were, seeing as though it was nearly sunrise by this point.

Heaving the heavy door open I stepped out into the hallway and noticed its stale quietness ringing through my ears. The candle in my room had provided some light but as the morning sun crept its beautiful colors into the sky there was no longer a need for a flame. Walking down the stairs I entered the common room. Several people lay across the couches sitting near a dying fire as they'd never managed and return to their rooms.

Carefully I crossed through the room and began my venture up the stairwell of the boys dormitory. I watched the nameplates as I passed but my mind quickly began to wander to places further away: An ideal world where even I could receive a happy ending. Remus and I were never the closest of people as we'd both chosen to stay a distance away in fear of something the other knew nothing of.

Every conversation was hesitant and held a brisk air of anxiety that raveled around every word. For a period of time I thought he didn't like me but when I tried to distance myself in fear of annoying him there were just more conversations. I wouldn't deny that Remus was a handsome young man but what truly attracted me was his presence. It reminded me much of myself.

Of course this preppy and loud girl was never my true personality for I'd hidden the truth of myself from all those around me. Remus was who I wished to be like: Not afraid of expressing his true emotions and being honest with his friends. Him and the other marauders were close and I doubted there were many secrets among them, but my relationship with Lily was nothing of the sorts.

Lily and I have been friends for years but the concept of telling her the truth is so forcing to me. I'd lie every month for one night and escape into my darkest secret as she thought nothing of it. Personally I hated the lying to her, it made a disgusting coat cover my skin and it was unable to wash off, but I didn't have a choice. Lily was one of the few people who'd torn down my outer wall and thus I'd bonded with the red-headed female, and she seemed to trust me with her deepest of secrets. How I wish the relationship of ours could go deeper than face.

The stairwell seemed to spiral upwards forever but eventually I found the door I'd been searching for. My cold feet stuck to the floor like ice as I eyed the mahogany door with a mixture of interest and hate. Every time I attempted to take a step forward I couldn't, it was as though my feet had been forcibly glued down by nervousness.

I took a deep breath and slowly allowed the tiredness to mask my anxious approach, every step echoed in my ears as I felt the tiredness slowly creep into my body. A small smile crept across my lips as I put on a face of fake confidence. Though no one was around to see I imagined someone watching me, their hands clapping in praise as I slowly bent down and put the letters in front of the door.

People never really frightened me but I guess you could still say I feared them: Part of me was terrified that one day I'd slip up and hurt someone. It was strange that I desired their encouragement and smiles so much so that I'd try my best to put them their by having one of my own. I wanted everyone to be happy even if I couldn't feel the same. It was an unending war of irreconcilable thoughts.

I turned towards the illusory person standing tall in the corner as they clapped me on, fading away into the depth of my mind. As if the world were trying to spite me in a hateful fit of laughter, shallow claps sounded from the door frame behind me. Spinning around I came face to face with none other than the supercilious Sirius Black, his long dark hair pulled back messily as a pompous smirk settled across his lips.

"What are you doing awake at this hour Black?" I asked nonchalant knowing that there was no way out of situation: I'd been caught in the act and he was like an elder brother ready to out his sibling.

"I'm a light sleeper." His voice was deep and rasp, a sound that nearly matched the comforting one of Remus. The grogginess in his words were hard to ignore but he quickly rubbed his eyes and stepped into the hallway, all to awake for someone who'd been asleep only moments ago. "But you don't seem to have slept a wink. Could it be I was right when I chose to worry about you?"

"I don't need anyone looking out for me, especially not you." As I turned again to leave I stopped when I hear the opening of an envelope. I shot back around just in time to see him pull the notes out of the envelope and glance over them. His dark eyes scanned over the words in the darkness and the minute he spent reading over them felt to span the hour I'd spent writing them.

"We had planned on asking Minnie what we'd missed but these are much better than what she'd give us. May I ask why you've done this for us (L/N)?" He was teasing me, expecting a stuttering mess to occur when he'd joked of my feelings but I would never become such a thing. Rolling my eyes I snatched his set of notes away and held them tightly in my hands, nearly to the point of ripping them.

"I made those notes for Remus, not for you. If he'd had come to class I wouldn't have made any of you lot a set, but its a thank you for taking care of him." My grasp on the papers loosened before I handed them back to the boy. He grabbed them back and put them int he envelope before turning to enter his room. I'd tried to make my departure but before I could he exited the door for a second time.

"Could I talk to you for a moment?"

"You already have, it's time for you to fall back asleep and forget you ever saw me." Tiredly I glanced behind me and saw him awkwardly fiddling with his hands. Realizing I'd caught him partaking in a nervous habit he quickly stopped. "Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

His grey eyes met my (E/C) ones in a challenge of will, if I faltered then there was no doubt in my head that he'd find information on me that I wanted no one knowing. Sirius took a step closer, his tall height carrying his head above mine as he backed me into a wall, hands on either side of me as he leaned down. "What are you?"

"I'm someone trying her hardest to keep going, so I assure you that it would be within your best interest to stay away from me." I put a hand to his chest and pushed him back, his body moving with ease so that I didn't have to work to hard. Though I knew he wanted to question further he took my feelings into consideration and decided not to. "I'll see you around Sirius."

"You're a strange one (Y/N) (L/N)."


	4. The Transformation

The great hall was strangely full for a Saturday morning, but that's to be expected with the Hogsmeade trip that would rip the majority of students away from the school. People chattered excitedly throughout the hall as they made plans with their enthusiastic friends to have day of zest. I wouldn't be able to accompany them this day for in twelve hours I'd be locking myself in the dungeons to protect the people of this school from a monster.

Lily slumped down besides me with her nose crammed into a book as she huffed a long lock of red hair out of her face. She didn't seem to notice my blotchy skin or tired eyes as I watched her out of the corner of my eyes, but then again she never really did. Though I guess it wasn't entirely her fault because I did my best to try and hide it from the prying eyes of those around me.

To my surprise the large doors of the great hall opened and in walked a small group, it was only scratching past seven and so seeing the marauders up this early was quite strange. On the weekends I knew they preferred to wake late and perform some of their usual, annoying antics on some unlucky Slytherin. Today they seemed more relaxed and calm as they whispered among themselves, their loud demeanor disappearing as they sat down across the table from us.

As soon as he'd sat down James turned to Lily and began to flirt with the displeased girl, her book slammed shut as the taller male made a comment that she hadn't agreed with. In a matter of seconds I was sitting alone across the the four restrained boys. Saddened by his 'Lily Flower's' departure James began to speak with Peter and Sirius, deciding to leave me to my lonesome. 

Remus laid across the table, his arms crossed as he buried his head inside of them. His eyes stayed tightly closed as he tried as hard as he could to get away from the bright light shining down on us. Much like him the painfully bright light only caused a painful headache to emerge in the back of my skull, but I chose to keep a small smile on my lips .

"Who do you think copied their notes for us? They must be really nice." Peter's words caught me by surprise and jolted my thoughts from my mind as I shot a testing warn to Sirius. The dark haired teen was already staring at me, his gray eyes gleamed with mischief and that was the moment I regretted every thought I'd had telling me to make copies of my notes.

"No clue but they've got awfully good handwriting for someone our age, so by that logic it rules out nearly all the boys in the school." James snickered a bit as he took a large bit of a biscuit. "Probably some girl that fancies Padfoot, you know how those girls get when they want to shag that dog."

"Pad? You were the first one to open the notes so who was it."

I'd expected the ruthless boy to expose me and tell his friends the truth, but before he said a word his gleaming eyes dulled and instead of mischief intent they held something advantageous. He didn't turn away as he answered Peter with a simple no. Those gray eyes of his tried to hold to mine but I did everything within my abilities to avoid them. 

"All students who are attending the Hogsmeade trip please report to your assigned locations, those of you who are not due for this trip please feel free to wander the castle. All students will be returning to the castle some time after six tonight." Professor McGongall's voice rang through the great hall and I flinched at the sudden loud tone filling my ears. The knot in the back of my head only grew as it had been for the past few days.

Standing up I quickly made a dash for the great hall door needing a moment by myself. The door weighed a thousand more pounds as I pushed with my dwindling strength, even so I had to force myself past it and into the hall. A sudden breath of fresh air slapped against my face as the door slammed shut behind me and I couldn't help but feel relieved. My legs carried me around a corner where I lost what little food I'd eaten in the past few days to the sickness inside my body.

"(Y/N)?" A quiet voice rang from down the hall and I did my best to steady myself before poking my head around the corner to see a stumbling Remus heading towards me. Seeing me his tired eyes brightened and he saved himself from falling atop the floor. With a deep despair settling inside my voided heart I walked to help him.

"You look unwell." I put one of his arms around my shoulders to help him steady but as I did a sudden sharp pain flooded throughout my body. He seemed to notice my uncomfort and tried to move his weight but I persisted and helped him hobble towards our dormitory. "Remus you've been seeming sick these past few days. Have you went to the hospital wing yet?"

The tall boy shook his head and moved a slight bit of his burdensome weight from my shoulders onto his own two legs. He seemed to sober up a bit as we walked but even that couldn't mask the tiredness weighing down his eyes as if he were holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. As we walked back to the dormitory I waited for him to say something but he never did, instead his tired eyes stayed glued to the path ahead.

"I read the first few chapters and I have to say it's a lovely read." I tried to take the topic away from his strange sickly ways. He seemed to like the change and a small smile crept across his lips. "The chapter about Socrates is my favorite by far, but Hypatia had her moments as well. I loved the way they included both modern and ancient witchcraft to show what resulted of their studies."

"Hypatia was an amazing witch, claimed to be among the best of time. Her work with love potions is still used today." I nodded as he recalled bits of knowledge from his wonderful mind. He was a smart guy who knew his way through the facts of the wizarding world. "I'd like to hear your opinions on Damo when you get to that chapter, though it is near the end."

I let out a small laugh that rasped through my chest and scratched through my throat in a painful, pitiful burst of laughter. "I'll try and finish the book soon so we can talk about it, okay? Until then you should really be resting! If you don't take time to let your body heal then you could cause permanent damage."

"You worry a lot for someone who doesn't seek out my company that often." His words stabbed at my heart and I swear there was a tad bit of sadness laced inside them. "I'll be well soon enough and when I am, I really do want to hear your thoughts on the book."

We stalked our way through the halls and the whole way back to his room I couldn't help but think of what to do with him. This level of tiredness and migraines were possibly the beginning of an underlying disease which was worrying. Part of me wanted to take him to the hospital wing to get him checked out but I knew my legs would give out well before then.

Instead of following my feelings and going to the hospital wing I took Remus back up into his dorm room. It was a long walk that took the majority of my remaining strength but when I laid the boy down on his bed it was worth it. In a matter of seconds he was sleeping as though he'd never been awake. Without anything to keep me going I slumped into a chair near his bed and took a deep breath.

My eyes closed and slowly I drifted into a restless sleep. It had felt like only a minute from when I'd closed my eyes and to now, but as the sun set and illuminated the room in a bright light I knew it had been far longer. Anxiety filled my body as I shot up from the chair and ran out of the room. Running with the small bit of strength remaining I managed to make it out the painting, passing a group of people I didn't take the time to listen to their shouts as I headed towards the stairwell.

Pain clawed at both my body and the depths of my mind as I swerved thoughtlessly through the halls. The route to the dungeon engraved in my mind from month after month of studying the way in case something like this happened. As I ran my thoughts began to turn and I could see the hair on my arms beginning to lengthen and I prayed that I would make it in time. It was well past six and another fear shattered through the carnal thoughts in my head.

I ran faster as the image of Remus laying in his bed blinked through my thoughts. If I'd slept for a moment longer he could've been hurt if not killed. When I'd first taken on this burden I promised I'd never let that happen; That I'd never ask someone for help no matter how pained I was. I'm fine on my own as long as those around me are safe: If I have to distance myself from that boy to protect him then fine.

My breathing was uneven not from the running but from the growing pain inside my body, I lunged for the doorknob of an unused room. Shoving my weight against it I entered the room and rested against the door. Ripping my robe off I sunk down onto the cold floor as I watched hair grow across my body and my mind slowly descend into madness.

It hurts.

It hurts so badly.


	5. The Beast of Night

~ Sirius's POV ~

She sprinted by us, her (H/L) (H/C) hair falling to cover her eyes as she seemed to not need her sight to find her way. James and Peter called out to (Y/N) as she ran attempting to discover what had her in such a fleet but she never responded. Both of them took off up the stairs needing to be sure that Remus' transformation hadn't come at an early time, but for a moment I lingered in the hallway, eyes trailed on where (Y/N) had disappeared around a sharp corner.

"Are you coming Padfoot?" James snapped back and my only response was a sharp shake of my head. I took off down the hall not sparing a glance back at my two friends who helplessly called upon me. Remus was dear to me, but I'd made a promise to protect her, so I need to find out what had caused her such distress.

I weaved through the halls, following the distant echo of her hurried steps as she ran towards the dungeon. The sun was falling quickly and as I ran by a window I caught sight of James and Peter helping a tired Remus into the momentarily calmed willow. Parts of me wished to be there helping them but as (Y/N) tumbled down the stairs I couldn't help but tear myself away.

A door slammed shut and all was still for the short remainder of that minute, my breathing was quick and untamed but if she could hear me then she showed no sign. I raised a hand and knocked lightly on the large door but a response never came, only a small shuffle of movement that rang through my ears. Intruding on her privacy like this was rude and would warrant a lecture if she didn't accept my company, but at this point I was beyond worried. 

Ever since I'd started paying more attention to (Y/N)'s actions I'd noticed something: Her smile only faltered when she was sure no prying eyes dared look at her. Seeing her run past us in such a frantic, wild state I knew something was up. She was calm and collected, smart and perceptive, strong and levelheaded so what could possibly break that facade so much that she'd not even offered us a fake smile. I needed to know, because though I made a promise to protect her I want to be her friend.

Everyone at this school seems to perceive me in the same way: A pampered pure blood who sleeps with every girl who crosses his path. They may be right but that doesn't mean I don't care, if anything I have more feelings than some of the snakes in this school; and I'm not only referring to the Slytherins.

With a small push the door cracked open and I was met by a set of fallen robes, the clothes piled messy lump as if she'd focused more on taking them off than their condition. A low growl escaped from the center of the room and I realized what I was dealing with. The wolf snarled its long white fangs at me and sent an animalistic threat that even I feared. It charged at me, claws sharp and ready to claw out my throat, but before it could reach me I had already turned into my animagus form.

This form was large, even in comparison to Remus who's form was quite big compared to the average anatomy of another werewolf, and luckily for me I still rained larger than her. The wolf backed away and began circling around the room as if plotting a way past my size and into my lethal points. A low growl forced her to back away and into a corner where she paced and clawed at the walls in hopes of finding something to feed on.

Pushing the door closed I laid down on my paws, watching the beast in front of me dig at the bricks of the castle and then at her own skin. The carnal urge for blood defied even the need of self preservation and if her thirst couldn't be fulfilled by me then she'd force the pain on her own body. I watched intently as she continued to bite at her legs before shooting a small glance my way.

So this is what she'd been hiding behind that cheat of a smile, pretending as though she was fine when it was now clear she'd been hurting. Had I really been blind this whole time; Were we all this blind? We'd caught Remus in our second year, though we weren't the best of friends with (Y/N) I'd thought we were close enough to figure out something of this stature. How long had she been plagued with this monthly torture and not had anyone to help her.

A rough growl rasped through my throat as I sew a sharp claw begin to scrape at the thick (H/C) fur surrounding her neck. She stood and stalked towards me, assessing her choices before once again backing down and going to the corner. This process continued for the entirety of that night and never once did I consider leaving; After seeing how Remus was pained from this turn, even with our help, I couldn't bare to leave her alone. Eventually the transformation wore off and she returned to her regular form, laying against the cold stone of the wall, not taking note of my dog form staring at her.

Trying my best not to look at her unclothed body, I bit her robes and dragged them over her resting form. Sensing the warmth she snuggled into the clothing pieces as I rested my weight atop her legs to stop any restless night movement. I'd expected her to stir a bit from the heavy weight but instead she only calmed and began to quietly snore. For now she was fine and at peace: That's what matters.

~ Your POV ~

My eyes darted as around the dark room only lit by several dying candles, their flames flickering in the morning hours as they'd been lit all night. The robe draped across my bare body soaked in the blood from the numerous scratches I could feel lining my skin. With a deep breath I leaned forward a bit feeling the tiredness that embedded so deep in my bones that I feared it'd never leave, but even as that feeling weighed on my eyelids I couldn't bare to fall asleep again.

Two reasons: Lily had requested my help with something for most of today and for the more urgent, matter a large black dog laid across my legs. It's shaggy black fur nearly mixed with the dark material of my robe but its weight and slow breathing made it easily distinguishable. The creature tilted its large head to the side, its gray eyes wide as if analyzing my thoughts to decide my next movements even before I did.

If the dog decided today was my death then I would surely die here; My muscles were weak and the blood draining from my system made my head foggy, so fighting back was doubtful. Though the creature didn't make a move to attack me. Instead it laid its large head on my thighs, tired gray eyes glancing up at me before it let out a gentle wine.

How had it gotten in here? I'd been sure to close the door behind me, though in my state I'm not entirely sure if I'd locked it. All I knew was that for now it was closed and that's what's important. It gave me an unfaltering confidence that I hadn't hurt anyone on this night: That's all I ever desired when I changed.

Reaching a hand out from under my robe I put it an inch away from the snout of the large beast laying on my legs. Its weight was a nice change as it helped absorb the sticky blood that I could feel gummed to my skin. For a second the animal hesitated and sniffed at my palm in a manor of chary benevolence, but as it sensed my good intent its cool nose brushed against the tips of my fingers.

With its trust in my hands I made small movements and scratched behind its large floppy ears. The dog moved to my touch and begged for more without having to say a word. "Its dangerous to be around me, but you don't really care do you."

I hadn't expected the dog to understand what I was saying but instead of continuing to enjoy the soft scratches it situated the entirety of its weight onto my legs: Parallel to me as its head laid on my thighs and gray eyes gleamed with the purest of intent. "You're quite smart for an animal, but intelligence can only be considered so high if you chose to stay here. Go."

The dog refused to move from my body and I decided that if this were the game it wished to play then I might have to be a bit hateful. I gently hit the dogs nose, the creature flinching back from the sudden surprise of my rude actions. I'd hated to see its reaction but I couldn't stay here no matter how badly I wanted to. My tiredness is nothing in comparison to what Lily needed help with: Even if it was small I had to help her, she was far more important to me than rest.

"Can I take back my statement? You're a dumb dog, but I guess I can't say anything since I'm the idiot who's talking to you." I let out a sigh and my head fell back, smacking against the concrete in defense. Without looking I extended my hand and pet the dogs head. It didn't seem to mind as it laid its head back down on my lap before letting out its own puff of air. "Stupid mutt. I have things to do and people that need me, staying down here all day isn't going to help anyone."

The dog raised its head before it fell back down on my lap, causing an unexpected pain to run through my body. With the sudden found feeling my knees shot up and the dog winced before backing away. I curled the legs to the side of my body and ran my hands over the large scratches that I'd caused on myself. 

"I'm sorry." I reached a hand out but instead of going in the a pet the creature ducked to the side and lunged at my face, its scratchy tongue licking against my cheek before I pushed it away. Animals seemed to love me and sometimes the feeling was mutual but for some reason I hated the feel of this dogs tongue on my face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

The words had fallen before I could stop them, my lips so weighed down by tiredness that they couldn't close to stop them. I'd never woken up with another creature around me so this was a new feeling. I must admit that it feels nice to not be alone. Pulling the dog close I sunk my head into its neck and hugged it close to me. When most animals would've growled and lashed out, the dog kept quiet and allowed me to mumble quiet words of sorrow into its fur. A secret that two beasts would share as one couldn't speak and the other wouldn't dare to share with another human.

I don't know how long I'd spent crying into the dogs fur but by the time I was finished my pitiful fit of pain I was more tired than I'd been before. Even without a mirror I could tell that my eyes were puffy and face red from the countless tears I'd let flow for the first time in far to long. The dog had never tried to leave my grasp, instead it only laid its weight against me in a comforting manor.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone?" The dogs eyes became a bit alert and all I could do was laugh. Animals were creatures of instinct and though they couldn't feel complex emotions they could distinguish them with ease. "As if you could."

Fixing the robe around me I stood up and made my way towards the small stack of clothes still resting by the doorway. The dog stayed close by my side and helped me wobble my way to where I needed to go. I slid on my undergarments and a pair of jeans before holding the white button up shirt in my hands. For a moment I contemplated putting it on but instead I ripped it, strand after strand I created bandages and wrapped the many wounds that marked my skin. It was sad to see the top go but I'd rather cover my wounds and get another shirt from my room than bleed out alone in this dungeon.

The whole time the dog only watched as I did and made sure I stayed standing upright. Smiling I bent down, several popping sounds filling the air as I did so. Petting behind the animals ear I opened the door and let it leave. If it had found its way in then it could find its way out, and so it did. The dog took off sprinting towards the steps of the dungeon and I wobbled behind, breakfast would be served soon and I couldn't dare miss it.

I hope the dog is okay.


	6. Involuntary Volunteering

I picked at my sleeve, an itch forming below the old, scratchy bandages I'd wrapped on my arms not so long ago. Slowly I could feel the blood soak through but even if it managed to seep as far as my shirt there still would be no stain. I'd specifically chosen to wear a loose fitting black shirt as to hide the new made scratched along my arms but it would still allow me to move throughout the day.

The sounds of the great hall filled my head, bouncing throughout every corner and forcing an ache to form throughout my mind. Every sound and the constant stare of the light from the moment I'd entered the hall were all weighing on my shoulders and sending an unending tiredness into my bones. Lily chatted idly with Marlene, their conversation escaping my dull senses as I chose to focus instead on trying to keep down the few bites of eggs my friend had forced me to down.

"Where is Remus?" Lily's sudden interest in the absence of the shy boy had caught my attention, tearing me away from my want to escape this horrid waking moment and into a conversation that I should never have entered. My mind was far to foggy from the transformation this previous night but even so I wanted to dig deeper into Remus's sudden disappearance.

"He's volunteering in the medical wing this weekend." Sirius said without missing a beat, though I could see that both James and Peter had hesitated for a moment, but perhaps Lily had just caught them off guard. Volunteering to help the sick sounded like something Remus would do, from most of our conversations I could tell that he was far more kind than I had originally imagined.

Lily nodded and turned to me with one of the most genuine smiles I'd ever seen so of course I did my best to put a fake one on to provide her with a sense of serenity: The curve of my lips pained my face but I managed. "Speaking of volunteering, Professor Pince agreed to let us help out in the library this weekend! We're going to be organizing books for hours. Isn't it exciting?"

For a moment I swore that I was going to faint, my head spun with a mix of emotions that I couldn't find enough effort to decipher in that moment. I could see the excitement radiating from her as if it had created its own visible aura: Lily adored the library and she'd dreamed of helping Pince ever since she first stepped foot into the spiraling collection. Today was not a good day for me to do this and I knew that well enough but I couldn't let her down. 

"Yeah!" My throat rasped with a painfully sharp grate but even so I put on that mask of excitement that seemed to make every bodies worries waver. Smiling was all I could do as Lily went on yet another tangent about how she so adored Professor Prince's extensive library, and I did my best to stay focused though my eyes began to wander.

James bickered quietly with Sirius but their words just barley escaped my ears as Lily's sweet, angelic voice droned through my mind. In seconds they were my center of attention; A sing-song call of Lily's name had escaped past Jame's lips and into the air of the great hall. Several of the surrounding people stopped their light conversations to watch James get shot down by his so called fate-forced love.

"How would you ladies like our help." Sirius smacked James harshly on his shoulder, shooting a testing glare at his jolly friend. Though Peter continued to snack on his breakfast he did take note of the situation unfolding beside him: Eyes watching intently as he awaited Lily's inevitable no.

"They don't allow animals in the library." Lily rolled her eyes and tried to begin a conversation with Marlene once again but James quickly interjected.

"My darling flower-"

"Do not call me that, you pig."

"Lily, dear, the library is quite large and in comparison you could make barley a dent throughout the entirety of this weekend. With the help of us you could get so much more completed." James happily leaned across the table, jabbing at Lily's usual unaltered confidence. For a moment she wavered with the knowledge that for the first time he had actually made quite a good point. In mere moments I knew any chance I had at a quiet day disappeared, finally she gave in to the boy she so despised. 

She let out the most detested sigh I'd ever heard, the sound reminding me much of how I felt about this whole situation. "If you three get us in trouble I swear I'll hex you to no end."

James had a large smile on his face that held such confidence in his own pitiful prowess, he followed Lily out of the cafeteria while speaking to her about nonsense. It was a sight to behold, Lily finally giving into one of James' long-proposed ideas so that he could get even a bit closer to her. Though I knew the likelihood was little I do have hopes that the two would get along; They'd been at each others throats for years and I'd never say it but it was obnoxious at times.

Slowly I rose from my spot on the bench, every muscle in my body crying out in a pained pop that begged me to take even the smallest break. Though my body pressed for some down time but my mind spoke louder and forced me to the door. Every step felt like fire and the sounds only seemed to ring louder as I walked but by some miracle I managed to keep the smallest of smiles spread across my lips.

The spiraling halls of the castle held a welcomed changed, their candle light pathways far more dim than the great hall had been. As the door slammed behind me I was left alone with only the quiet spoken words of James as he trailed behind Lily in the direction of the library. Slowly I found my bearings and began my trip to the library, following several paces behind the duo that hadn't seemed to take note of my presence.

"If I didn't know any better I'd assume someone had been meddling with necromancy." Sirius' appearance had been sudden and shot a jolt of surprise throughout my body. Quickly I shook it off and put up a sly smile, turning to the two boys who now held a spot beside me. "Somehow you managed to look more dead than you did yesterday, (L/N)."

"If you don't stop jabbing at how I look then you might be the one to end up dead." I joked back to the shaggy haired tall teen, his grey eyes rolling as he turned away from me.

"(Y/N)?" Peter held something out to me, a book: It's cover an old leather sprawled with the elegant carvings of letters embedded into it. My heart wrenched as I realized I'd nearly lost such an important thing. When Remus had placed his trust in me I had promised to protect the book but here I was nearly leaving it in the great hall. "You left this behind and I'd hate for you to lose it. Remus was quite excited when he got his hands on it this past week.

As I wrapped my hand around the book, it weighed in my sore palm and felt as though I was trying to hold up every star in the sky. Though with just the small bit of added weight I stumbled lightly, my knees nearly buckling before I managed to catch myself. Clutching the book to my chest I took a deep breath and prayed that neither of the two boys had noticed my little slip up. Days like these were hard even when Lily and I just wandered throughout the halls so a large scale activity like this may be a bit hard to manage.

"Thank you so much Peter! I'd have hated to lose this, especially after Remus went through all that trouble to lone it to me." With the leather-bound book in my hands, I flipped it over several times before I took a good look at its cover. The read hadn't taken nearly as long as I'd expected so this morning during breakfast I'd managed to complete the wonderful knowledge filled book. Three hundred pages of philosophy by the greatest wizards throughout time and I'd learned one key thing: Life was not your friend.

I'd been dealt a good hand but throughout a series of bad draws things had went down further than anyone could have foreseen. Pity was never something I sought after but if I were to share the details of my past I knew that even the coldest of hearts would wrench in sympathy for the girl I'd once been. Things usually didn't pan out in my favor but even so I had one thing to keep me stable throughout the tough times: My smile. It had been the thing to keep my secret for so long and originally it had drawn Lily to being my friend, so of course even when things were tough I had to put it on my lips. Why would anyone want a friend who couldn't smile?

My hands tightened around the book once more, its smooth leather somehow providing a sense of comfort in my hazed mind. The world around me seemed to wash over me like a waterfall, rinsing away my comfort and replacing me with a sense of bare isolation. Yet the book was like a breeze, cold and desolate, but somehow more welcoming than the raging rush of the world. It was difficult even in this calm moment to remain composed. I need to get away.

"I'll meet you guys at the library." Before their was time for protest I turned and began to walk in the other direction. Every step ached beyond my usual limits but I knew if I didn't get away just for a moment I would break. Knowing that by now the halls were full of students who would be far louder than the calm Marauders I made a dash for the one place I knew to be safe: The medical wing.

Returning the book to Remus wouldn't take long but it would provide that much needed distraction. It would also be nice to snatch some bandages if the opportunity proved itself obvious. Groups of noisy, undisciplined teenagers crossed my path and waved before continuing on their way; None seemed to take notes of the strain riddled across my face.

Much relief found its way to my body as I opened the door to the medical wing. It was more calm than the entirety of the school and even in the winter months it radiated with a friendly warmth that called to all those who entered. The gentle smell of hot chocolate drifted into my nose and welcomed me to the office of Madam Pomfrey. The elderly woman moved throughout the room in quick motions, her hands soft as she worked diligently to help the numerous students littered across the beds. This wasn't an uncommon sight to behold on a Saturday morning, many students spent their Friday's partying in their common rooms so of course there were quite a few accidents.

I'd expected to see Remus moving around helping out but he was nowhere to be seen. A bit confused on his whereabouts I made my way to the woman who'd had to deal with far to much stupidity throughout her years at this school. She saw me approach and quickly finished her work and turned to see why I'd come to her office with such 'pristine' condition. On my most outward appearance I was fine but lurking below the surface were deep scratched littered across my body.

"Do you know where Remus may be? Sirius said he'd be volunteering here this weekend and I wanted to drop this book off to him." The woman looked down at the leather-bound philosophical piece of writing in my arms before reaching out for it. I took a step back to prevent her from grabbing a hold of its edge.

"Dear, he's resting in a back room right now. I'll give it to him as soon as he wakes up but I'd rather you not disturb him right now." Instead of grabbing for the book she reached a gentle hand out, wrinkled skin prepared to take the book from my tired arms. Some part of me argued with the idea of giving away such a precious gift to someone who I'd only talked to a couple of times.

"If it's possible I'd like to drop it off to him!" My voice became more confident as I spoke to prove that I would not waver in this moment. Remus was a dear friend of mine and I wished to be sure he was okay when I return this literary masterpiece. "Waiting won't be an issue but if I could just drop it by his bed that would work as well."

Madam Pomfrey sighed before her head fell with a gentle shake and she motioned towards a door hidden near the back of the room. "Be quick and quiet when you drop it off please, he's quite tired today so I'd rather you not wake him. Took me an hour to help that boy get to rest."

The last part had been muttered under her breath but with the hurtful transformation also came heightened senses, my ears and eyes more sensitive than most during this period of the month. I knew Remus hadn't been sleeping well (It was obvious by the way he constantly dragged his feet and yearned to go back to the dorms) but I hadn't expected it to get so bad that even Madam Pomfrey had taken note of it. Perhaps I should've seen to it that James and Peter had brought him to the medical wing on Thursday instead of their dorm.

Ignoring the growing sense of regret I made my way to the door and carefully opened the heavy piece of wood. It weighed against my body as it took the majority of my strength not to falter when I pushed, every muscle burned hotter than the second before, but I pushed forward. As the door finally opened and allowed me inside I could a bit of hate for myself flood through my mind. On the bed was Remus, his body tossing and turning in a restless sleep as he tried to maintain a moment of peace that continued to slip through his fingers.


	7. Just Like Me

The cold water from the bucket stained my bandages in a nipping chill that crawled across the open wounds and up my arms. Sure that the towel had been soaked in the water I pulled it out and rung it as well as I could, the water dripping back into the bucket where it could be used again when the time comes. 

Walking back over to the bed I pulled a second towel off of Remus' forehead, the material long since dried as it scraped against my palms. With the sudden lose of connection he stirred in his sleep. Softly, I placed my hand where the towel had once been, warmth radiated from his skin as though he were the sun itself: The demurred little scars settling around his face only added to the effect.

He leaned into my touch, searching for any bit of soothing chill he could find in the hot hospital wing. In one quick motion I replaced my hand with the dripping towel and almost instantaneously Remus stopped his unquiet stirring. With the relief that came from the cold water seeping through the scratchy towel, it began to lull Remus back to sleep. Every breath filled with ache until eventually they evened themselves out.

Even as he rested in this undulate state he still seemed to hold a renowned sense of anxiety burdening his shoulders and weighing on his sleeping mind. Gently I scooped his hand in mine, tracing small circles softly across the back side as I scanned my way up his arms. Bandages wrapped themselves around him secure like a snake that seemed to strangle the life out of him. I know what's under them, the scars running along the entirety of his body were not unfamiliar to me, but even so I didn't want to believe it.

I'd known it for a long time, it was obvious when I thought about it, but I wished so harshly that he wasn't burdened by such a monstrous that maybe for a moment I had decided to believe it. Remus was a werewolf, there wasn't a doubtful though in my mind; but even so I couldn't fear him for I was the same. A beast wearing the disguise of its human kin until the full moon arose and belittled my sense of soul and carved a claw mark into my heart. 

Our kind was not meant to meddle with one another, we are creatures of solitude for a reason. Most regular people fear us as though we threaten their throats but little do they know we have the softest of hands that bare the bloodied claws of the beast that scratched us. Remus was far to kind of a man for me to risk being near him, our destinies were entwined by the strings of the moon but that did not mean we were meant to be something more than near acquaintances. If I could take away this plague of beasts, I would do it without hesitation, because I know that Remus does not deserve this fate. 

"If we had been born to different lives then perhaps you could chase after your feelings." I gently unraveled the bandages around his waist, the imprint obvious on his paled skin as I ran my hands over the small markings. With a smile running across my face in an unending race of appease to those who couldn't form one themselves, I re-wrapped his bandages. "Though things cannot turn out the way you desire, Remus. So abandoning these feelings is your best hope for a happy future."

I'd been suspicious of Sirius from the moment I noticed the way he took interest in my, but now I understood it: Remus was my so-called secret admirer and had asked Sirius to keep me at arms length in the fear of hurting me. It was so simple to see that I kind of wish I had stayed oblivious a little longer. Feelings of interest were not something foreign to me, I'd had my crushes, but better than anyone I knew to shut them down before they clasped onto my heart and pulled on the strings of depression. If we were to be in a relationship then it would likely end with a painful parting.

With the white cloths secured around his wrist I moved his hand back across his chest, forearm resting over his body in a limp fashion. So peaceful yet tormented by a monthly monster that no human could control. Sighing I stood from my chair and laid the leather clad book where I had just sat moments before. It tarnished the slick light brown of the chair as its black clashed so heavily that it nearly sunk through the hard wood. My eyes stayed glued to the cover, to afraid to look around in fear the light burns through my head and creates an ache, Remus would soon wake and find the abandoned book.

When he does perhaps he'll forget those inane feelings for me and move on to the next girl who catches those bittersweet, chocolaty eyes. She'll be the one to hold him close during these rough times, human a gentle tone as he tried to close his tired eyes, and so sweetly she'd caress the tussles of brown hair raggedly falling from his scalp. I wish that girl was me but it could never be that way: He deserves someone who can offer so much more than a smile and false confidence, a girl who can love him with an untainted heart.

"May the moon be kind to you, Remus." My voice was low and unsteady, words slurred as if I'd chugged a butter-beer. Every inch of my body held an ache but there was no time to take a rest, Lily needed my help and I had sworn my hand to her with a bond of friendship. Leaving her alone with those three reckless buffoons had not been my smartest idea but at least I was able to rest my aching feet for a moment longer. 

Madam Pomfrey eyes me suspiciously as I exited the room, her usual warm demeanor seemed to slip for a moment as she watched my long strides towards the door on the hospital wing. If there weren't a numerous amount of patients to attend I knew I'd be facing some questions right now, but she had no time to take away from the students seeking her aid. I'd spent far longer in the room than I'd realized, slipping in and out of a conscious state of mind as I tried to tie myself to a certain head space that kept slipping away.

It was loud even for a far off a hall buried within the maze of corridors of Hogwarts, students roamed around, passing by as if all was at peace in the world. My steps lagged, feet dragging against the harsh carpeted halls as I tried to stay upright. I passed by groups of people and offered a kind smile whenever they greeted me with muttered hello's, but my mind was clouded beyond end as the bright sunlight ran through the windows and into my eyes.

Every step I took farther from the hospital wing only seemed to further weigh on my shoulders and drag me deeper into the pit of a hazed craze. No one seemed to notice the glint of pain cowering behind my irises but then again they didn't take a second glance when I gave my most strained smile. Pausing by the stair case I took a breath, filling my lungs to the bream with the only soothing thing I could grasp at this moment. Deep and desired was that breath, but as soon as the pleasureful relief was there it was gone; I had to get to the library.

Staggering upright I began my way down the stairs as best I could, finger trailing along the slight bumps ridding the ancient halls of the school. Everything hurts. So much. I'm tired. Yet even with that pain slicing across every inch of my body, drawing out trickles of blood to stain my hidden bandages red, I still continued. One step after another, careful and precise; Until they weren't.

My legs gave way before I even had a second thought and as I saw the spiraling steps flow in an unending wave beneath me: I didn't even dare to open my mouth to call for help. If I were to slide all the way down the worst that would happen was a broken bone, for no matter how badly I wanted to stop the fake smile I was not allowed to. Whichever higher being was watching had to be laughing and I was beyond spiteful. So many years I'd dealt with a curse put upon me by forces unknown and even if I wanted to escape it using my final breath I couldn't. Injuries on me healed quickly like they did with most werewolves, and more than most I deserved the pain that would come at the end of this fall.

The steps always had a clap when we walked across them and I'd expected them to be harsh when my face finally smashed against my head; but it was so soft. My eyes felt heavy as I rested against the soft surface, slowly I allowed my suffering gaze to open. Black covered my vision and I ran my hand through the soft fur that had engulfed my skull, the dog beneath me let out a low whine as its soft tongue licked at my cheek.

"Oh..." My words were soft as they trailed into unknown lands, going on journeys across oceans before finally landing back in my throat. "What are you doing here, dog? I thought I told you to stay away from me."

I maneuvered myself off the poor animal that had shielded my fall and onto a single step, my body leaning limply against the wall as I took deep breaths. No doubt I'd have several bruises on my chest where it had hit against the sharp corners of the stairs, but at least I had been saved from any more severe damage. The large dog jumped up the steps, over my legs, so that it could stand on the step just above mine.

"You really shouldn't be around me, you'll only get hurt if you stay." I ran my hand along its soft, dark coat and noticed the large flinch as I ran along the spot in which I landed. "I guess it's to late to save you from that torment of bruises, my apologizes."

It was quiet, the hall seeming to have gone quiet with the death I nearly eluded. The dog didn't seem to mind as I pet along its head, its ears flopped down and its dark eyes shone with a hint of loyalty below them. "You're strange for a wild beast. So kind and gentle for something considered wild, better than most humans. At least you don't ask for a smile in return for their love."

The gentle giant nudged its head into my neck and I awaited its teeth to sink into my skin but it never came. Only soft puffs of warm arm fanned across my weak point and the dog didn't take that moment of trust to use against me. "I'm envious of the way you can just sit here and listen without having to do anything. So carefree. If I was that way then maybe I could be with him, maybe my smile wouldn't be this fake."

I stood up, the dog nudging my thigh with its warm head as if it wanted me to sit back down and continue the break that seemed to be requisite by my forlorn curse. The animal, large and dangerous, barred its teeth as I took a step away. Though the creature had been kind to me it seemed to understand that a beast would not cower in the face of pain and thus no matter how badly I ached to lay my head on a soft feathered pillow, I would not stop until all the worlds needs had been met.

"A creature created in the midst of darkness is only destined to fall deeper within the that darkness, for light may never catch the swift feet of those who choose to run. Your a dog with no seen owner but yet you seem to not fear the darkness that wishes to consume me." I gently crouched down, pinching ever so lightly at the animals ears before its low growl fell to a silent huff of air. "I don't want to hurt anyone, not ever again, so I beg of you to just go. Leave the school before anyone sees you."

It bowed his head, the tip of his nose pressing against the tip of my shoe. This would not be the last time I saw this dog and I knew it: With only the bow of its head I'd made come to a complete conclusion that this was not a goodbye but a sympathetic agreement of momentary peace. Before I had time to say another word the dog was gone and the sound of people once again filled my ears in an unbearable screech.

"Strange dog."

People in the stairwell gave me a strange look upon hearing the muttered words but I heed them no mine as I continued on my way. My short meeting with the dog had momentarily soothed my mind and body but without its warmth radiating across my skin I felt a little bare. Pulling at my sleeves I covered the bandages, blood lightly soaking the white material a crimson red. They'd need to be changed before midday but when the time came I'd sneak away from Lily's prying eyes for only a moment.

Remus still clung to my mind, his warned breathing soft as if he weren't breathing at all. The dog had nearly overshadowed those few moments I spent rejuvenating in that room: Hands to preoccupied to notice any aches as I worked to take care of him. He was perfect in every way, scars and all. Had we not shared this horrid curse then I'd allow myself to desire something more with him; A warm morning in the common room, honey and chocolate scents dancing together as we read a book of potions to further our knowledge.

"You are an absolute pig, Potter!" Lily's hair swung back and forth as her clenched fists drew a small bit of blood. In front of her stood James who hesitantly reached out to calm the fiery woman before him. If it hadn't been for Sirius and Peter pulling him further back I was almost certain she would have smacked him straight across the face. "I cannot believe I ever thought you could be more than a prankster who only cares about his looks."

"Lily! I- I..." He stuttered over his words and eyes the small drop of blood that drained from her palm and onto the floor. I'd never seen her this angry at James and I doubt that anyone else had either. She shook with rage and it seethed through her teeth, every breath holding a desire to scream and shout at the boy in front of her. Attempting to calm herself, she stormed past the young man, shoulder rudely bumping into his as harsh as possible before she continued on her way. "I'm sorry."

Sirius and Peter tried to console him as they turned down a different hall and I was left alone to watch the large door of the library. For a moment I hesitated, wanting to be sure what had happened I made my way to the door. It towered over me and part of me wanted to follow Lily but I knew well enough that if I didn't try to fix this situation I wouldn't be satisfied. With the little remained of my strength I pushed open the door of the library and I realized what that buffoon had done to make my dearest friend so easy.


	8. Familiar Friend

Books scattered across the entirety of the library, littering the usual clean floor in pages of information jotted in a dark ink. Lily’s voice had held such pain and hate when she’d yelled at James and I could see why: Several of the shelves on the bottom floor were barren of books as their contents had been sprawled carelessly across the floor. My friend adored books with the entirety of her heart, finding them enticing and interesting as they captivated her mind, and seeing such a sacred place like this one in shambles much have hit hard.

An eerie silence pressed down throughout the room and weighed on my chest, tearing the last bit of soothing air from my hapless lungs. Madam Pince had likely gone to speak with Dumbledore in hope of finding an easy resolution to what mess James had caused. I doubt there would be one, which meant that the poor old librarian would spend hours on her hands and knees fixing the mess of mindless teenagers.

Reaching down I picked a book and ran a hand along its grotty cover, several of its pages had become besmirched by horrid creases from being strewn across the ground without anyone to rescue it. Sighing I made my way towards the desolate shelves: Their bare rows calling out in a plea for something to hold. Had the books been lining their designated spots then perhaps the silence weighing me down wouldn’t be so hurtful, but as I gently set the book down in the spot it had long since designated its own I couldn’t help the ache in my chest. Every second that stretched endlessly was only more painful than the last, yet I couldn’t bear to leave Lily’s favorite place in such shambles.

I only had to look down before I saw the next book, its number catching my eye before I rescued it from its prison on the ground. It couldn’t weigh more than a pound or two yet it seemed to pull all the strength remaining in my limbs before I placed it next to its brethren. For a third time I searched for the next book in the cycle, but where I’d thought I’d seen it there was nothing there; Only an empty spot with no clues as to where the piece of literature had gone.

“Where the hell did it go?” My words were mumbled, every syllable dripping with a tiredness that mimicked the one most people would feel after days without sleep. Sleep was a concept most knew well but on days like this it was merely an acquaintance whose name I’d have forgotten.

“Looking for something (L/N)?” The foreign voice seemed to echo throughout my ear and scratch along my brain as I heard the words but they seemed to not be cognitive. Turning I came face to face with the one and only Sirius Black, his shaggy black hair was falling ruggedly across his sharp features, his solemn gray eyes gleamed with a tiredness that seemed to match mine. If it hadn’t been for the large bags pulling his face down perhaps I might’ve seen past that gleam and thought he had found sleep to be his friend in the past night. “Admiring the view? Can’t blame you for that.”

“Oh shut it, Black.” I rolled my eyes and attempted to grab the book from his hands, only for him to tug the heavy set object just out of reach. “What do you want, Sirius? Shouldn’t you be consoling your idiotic friend.”

“Peter can help James for now, but you seem like you’re about to drop dead. I’d rather prefer it if none of my mates died before our graduation.” His voice held a tint of tease as he set the book on the shelf for me, his hand lingering on the shelf to pin me to the spot. Puffs of warm air spread across my face as his gray eyes met my (E/C) ones and he searched for an answer that I would soon not relieve. “Perhaps you should take a small rest, if you ask nicely I’ll hold you while you do it.”

I scowled at his flirtatious ways, so arrogant in his own ability even though it wasn’t nearly as good as some of the things I’d heard him say to other girls. Part of me wanted to slap him: Hadn’t he said a close friend of his was an admirer of me, yet he attempts things like this. It was quite annoying and rather rude. “Flirting with someone your friend takes interest in isn’t something I’d expect from you, Black.”

“Flirting?” He chuckled and removed his hand from the shelf to allow it to fall down lip at his side. His fingers curled as if missing the shelf that he’d used to hold him up, but he didn’t seem to waver in the face of tiredness as he raised a high head. There was no doubt he’d been up for most of the night, it was obvious by the growing darkness in his face, but I was curious as to why he’d be here and not in the dorm sleeping. “I’m merely a friend offering warmth in a cold bed. I may be a flirt but I wouldn’t betray my friends like that.”

“Friends? Is that what you think we are.” I shot back, eyes narrowing in a dangerous show of test. Sirius seemed to understand my apprehension to his statement: We hadn’t been close throughout our years at this school so friends wasn’t the term I’d use.Though with his constant questioning and common appearances over the past several days it perhaps might be the right word. “Well I guess there isn’t anything better to call these small conversations of ours. Even so, your other friends need help more than I do.”

“Are you sure about that?”

The comment was small but it raised every hair on my body as the possibility of him knowing something struck a chord. I’d been in a rush both this morning and last night so the chance of him seeing something was a lot higher than I’d like. Though if he did know my copious secrets then he showed no apprehension to be near me. “And what do you mean by that Sirius?”

“Look at you!” He rolled his eyes before picking up another book off the ground, the next in the order, and placing it on the shelf behind me. “I’ve seen corpses look better than you. At least they don’t have eye bags large enough to buy every clothing item in Diagon Alley.”

“You haven’t no need to worry for me Sirius; If I were tired I’d be resting in my room by now.” Lying was never something I’d like to partake in but with the way my life had gone it was almost necessary. If truth were to get around then there was no telling what the consequences would be. Keeping people outside my walls was best for now, no one should ever get hurt because of me. “Just go and help James. The bloke looked as if he were about to burst into tears after what Lily said.”

“He can handle himself. He’ll be back up and fine as soon as he pulls a prank on old Filch.” He seemed confident in his statement, a laugh tearing through his throat. The silent air that had once been suffocating seemed to lift with the deep sound of his joy.

It amazed me how simple it was for people to find that unadulterated joy on days like this one, but then I remember that they don’t turn into a rampaging monster for hours at the sight of moonlight. Sirius had since trailed off on to what their next prank would be and how devastatingly amazing it would turn out. Though I didn’t personally agree with their constant quips of my fellow students it was nice to see how happy it made them. Even Remus seemed to enjoy those few moments of laughter when a harmless joke made the whole room burst into laughter.

Remus. Did they know he was like me? I hadn’t even noticed myself and I’d been going to the same school as him for the past six years. Once a month he became less lucid but then soon enough it would pass and he’d go back to the normal young man who’d been so nice to me. Perhaps if I didn’t suffer the same fate I would’ve taken note of this changing behavior and could’ve helped him more. Now that I have all I want to do is offer him a gentle touch and the softness of blankets to soothe the common ache spreading across our bodies.

“If it weren’t for your open eyes I’d thought you’d fallen asleep.” Sirius lightly hit the top of my head with the book he held so tightly in his hand, it was the lightest tap but somehow it still managed to worsen my fully formed headache. “You okay there? Looking worse with every passing minute.”

“Sirius you should really be going to help James. Lily’s words hit him very hard and i think it’d be good for him to have his best friend around.” My voice was low and threatened to tail off but even so I managed to make his emotions assuage. I could still see the skepticism in his solemn gray eyes as they scanned over my infinitesimal form. Part of me had expected him to try and convince me to allow him to stay a bit longer but he didn’t.

“Have a good day.”

With that he was on his way. No objections or acts of demur, only a small wave of his hand as his dark locks swayed with the turning of his head. I waited for a moment and watched his tall disappearing form until it had fully left the library. The large swung open then slowly closed to encase me back in an unending, suffocating silence.

I knew not to call out and ask for him to stay: It would end in only pain for the both of us. The faster I got out of this room and fixed the mistake of James then the faster I’d be able to find Lily and console her. She was likely very heated after the dissension that had occurred between her and James, so it was within my best interests to give her time to reevaluate the situation. The dorm was the likeliest spot for her to reconcile her thoughts and feelings, so getting a nap wasn’t a viable option at this moment.

My mind contradicted any logic as it yearned to close my eyes for even five minutes and embrace the hollow darkness of sleep. No matter how I thought of things there wasn’t a better way this could have turned out, for me at least: If I hadn’t gone to see Remus I’d still be stuck in the library but instead of the quietness it would be loud and overbearing. I’d wanted to help LIly and in the end it had gone horribly wrong, but the least I could do for now is fix the mess that had been made due to my error. Until the shelves were restored to their previous pristine condition I’d push any tiredness down and focus on the matter before me, it was important to Lily so it was important to me.

A small bump at the side of my knee tore me from the thoughts going through my mind, pulling my gaze down to the floor where a familiar animal stood with a book locked tightly in its jaw. The black dog let out a large puff of air and stood on the shelf, its paws holding it up as it placed a book on the already half filled shelf. I’d expected at least a bit of slobber to find its way to the spine but there was nothing of the sorts. The dog, what I considered a wild beast, had chosen the correct book and placed it perfectly on the shelf. How strange.

“What are you doing here?” I bent down, my knees popping in strain as I reached a hand out to the animal. It seemed to understand and pushed its cold nose into my hand and forced a chill throughout my body. The large animal was sweet and gentle as it nudged my hand and licked lightly at my fingertips. “I thought I said you should leave Hogwarts! It’s dangerous for you here, any animal other than a familiar isn’t allowed.”

There was no denying that there was something strange about the dog: It was larger than most dogs of its breed and had such sorrowful gray eyes that the possibility of it being normal hadn’t crossed my mind. What really struck a chord in its difference from most beasts was when it crooked its head in response to my words. Tilting to the side in a show of arrogant disobedience. 

“Strange creature.” I mumbled to myself, eyes still watching as it collected yet another book from the floor. It worked diligently as if it had been given the command to do so. Part of me wondered what kind soul had possessed the animal to help me out in such a prominent time of distress. Had it smelt the blood and offered a hand to its fellow canine companion, or maybe it was just a very strange series of coincide. “Talking to an animal. I must really be off my rocker.”

I bent down to pick up a book that would soon be added to the shelf, but as my hand met the fading cover I was stopped. The dog's mouth wrapped around my wrist, its teeth so lightly pressing against the skin left uncovered by the bandages that I could have possibly thought he wasn’t touching me. It was careful not to harm me, as if trained not to hurt a human. When I tried to shake its teeth off and reach for the book I was met by resistance, the light touch tightening by just a bit as its sharp teeth pressed ever so more gently into my skin.The dog let out a low growl to symbolize its anger at my motion.

“So you don’t want me to pick up books? Then what am I supposed to be doing.” He wasted no time as his large form pushed up against my body, paws against my chest as I fell back. The impact on the floor was soft as I came into contact with one of the many carpets throughout the room. It felt almost relaxing to be off my pained feet but as I turned my head I could see the numerous books strewn across the floor. Though I knew resting would help me more than working on something I hadn’t been asked to do, I couldn’t leave things in this state. “Get off of me, there’s still work to be done.”

The dog rested itself atop me, its weight pressing against my body and helping to aid in the clawing aches throughout my abdomen. It was so warm and soft, long black fur covering my body as the dog refused to move even an inch from its spot. Perhaps I should’ve called for help, but the longer he rested his head on my stomach the more I wished never to move. He was a great dog and I knew that he shouldn’t be in the castle, but the haze in my mind prevented me from protesting its stay.

“But the books…”

The gentle giant raised its head for a moment before it fell back onto my stomach, it was a simple gesture but after it was completed I found it difficult to say much. Raising a hand I ran it through his fur, scratching its ears in return for the sweetness it had shown. Three times in one day I’d seen this dog and it had only presented itself as a friend. Perhaps resting my eyes for a bit wouldn’t be such a harm. I’ll get back to work as soon as I wake up.

Sleep was difficult during the full moon but with the friendly presence of the animal softly breathing against my chest, it seemed to be a lull in the wind. I wish things came this easy for Remus as well.


	9. Tug Of War

I shot up at the suddenness of pressure spreading throughout my chest, eyes wide as I scanned across the dimly lit room in hopes of steadying my pulse. No longer was I in the extensive shelves of the library but instead in what seemed to be a calm common room. Every Gryffindor throughout the area was speaking in mere whispers as they played games of wizard’s chess and talked of how their day had gone. It was unheard of for our common room to be this peaceful, especially in what seemed to be the few hours before dinner.

Lily rested her body atop mine, chin digging sharply into my stomach as her emerald eyes searched for mine. She held a soft smile as if the whole world was prime and perfect with nothing to hurt anyone. “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for hours! Do you know how hard it is to fend off that arse by my lonesome?”

“Huh?” I sat up further and Lily moved from her spot on my chest, choosing instead to sit criss-cross at my side. My headache sprung from the depths of my mind as I laid eyes on the glowing fire, its flames flickering blue before fading to a deep red. They tore at my corneas and burned their embers into the haze fluttering across my head. Lily waited patiently for me to gain my bearings in the new surroundings. I wonder if she had been the one to lay me on the couch and if it was her what had she done with the dog. “How did I get here?”

“No clue. You looked pretty tired during breakfast so you must’ve wandered in here after the hallway incident.” Lily stood up, raising her thin arms high above her head in search of release for the tension building in her body. She looked back at me as if scanning through my mind to decipher what was hidden behind the waking tiredness in my expression. “Speaking of which, where were you before that? I could’ve used your help dealing with that buffoon. He just had to ruin my perfect day in the library with his wonky spell.”

Her words held venom and an ounce of bitterness as she spoke of the boy who’d destroyed the place of knowledge earlier this afternoon. I shook my head and stood up, barley listening as Lily spoke of how excited she was for our next project in potions: She’d been partnered with Severous and though two seemed friendly enough after last years incident I still didn’t like the young man, he was so crude to those around him that not even I could find it in me to offer a smile. Lily knew of my feelings towards him and so she kept me away in fear I’d hurt the man for calling her a mudblood. If it came down to him and I being near one another then I’d gladly take the chance and give him a piece of my mind: Lily had been devastated after what had happened and it annoyed me beyond its end.

We continued on our way to the great hall with our fellow housemates flooding the hall with us. The crowd was far less calm as they stormed through the corridors, pushing one another and running in all directions as if forgetting all McGonagall’s lectures of how unsafe it was. I’d long since toned out their sound: Lily’s voice barely murmured in my mind as I only gave simple nods and hums of agreement. Listening to her was always pleasant for it was calming but with the unrest of those around us I couldn’t bear to tone into anything she had said.

My mind wandered back to the dog and what had happened in the library earlier. I’d fallen asleep with the monstrous animal atop me but I couldn’t remember much after that moment. Lily claims to not be the one who’d taken me to the dormitory but if it hadn’t been her then who had been so sweet as to help me. Whoever it was likely had questions, but no one so far had approached me and asked why I’d been asleep in the library. I could only hope that they hadn’t seen the bandages that still sat blood soaked beneath my shirt. This full moon had been filled with risks I hadn’t meant to take and now I might be paying some consequences if word gets out of my injuries.

If it did get out then there would be serious backlash at the school for allowing a werewolf within their walls, especially if any of the students claimed they had been at risk of attack. Knowing that my secret was at danger of being exposed I couldn’t help but feel a disquiet rumble throughout my chest. Lily immediately took note of my change, a hand lightly squeezing pain into my shoulder.

“You okay? Ever since you woke up you’ve been a lot less cognitive.” I ducked from her hand, her grasp falling to allow the ache to gently drip away. Putting on a large smile I fell atop her back, body pressing against hers as I wrapped my arms around her neck: She let out a small giggle not noticing the small flinch I made every time she made an outlandish gesture.

“I’m feeling great! Just thinking of what potion I’ll be analyzing with Remus for class, I was thinking of a batch of veritaserum, it’s got a rich history in the wizarding world so it’ll make for a good paper. Plus after our last class I think I’ve got quite the handle on it.” Lily nodded in agreement and took a staggering step forward, my weight forcing her down. I wanted to move and allow her to walk easier but the strength in my body had been lost during the short rest I’d taken. After a second I got up, body swaying so much so that if a breeze were to drift through the hall I have no doubt I’d be pushed over.

“Good evening my beautiful Lily flower.” A sing-song voice rang through the hall, silencing the younger years as they wanted not to disrupt James’ fruitless flirting. He craned down so that he was face to face with Lily, a bouquet of flowers clenched tightly in one hand. The petals gleamed a soft pink as if calling for someone to sniff their prominent floral smell. “My apologies for the library this afternoon.”

“Oh what beautiful flowers.” Lily grabbed the bouquet from James, pulling the pink petals until they rested under her nose. Apple blossoms like these weren’t uncommon, if I were to take a guess I’d say he’d gathered them from the forbidden forest, but the ones he’d chosen were temptingly allure in the setting sun. “Too bad they were given by someone so ugly.”

A small group had formed around us, pressing their bodies closer in anticipation for the rejection that was about to ensue. James and Lily’s relationship, filled with a one-sided love, had become commonplace throughout the entirety of the school. Many people enjoyed the way she often put the young man in his place without a semblance of hesitation in her voice. Personally I found it quite abstract; How she seemed so cold but held a little spot in her heart for all his worthless attempts, if anything I was happy she found it amusing to reject him. As long as she was okay with it then I would gladly sit by and allow the two to continue in this manner.

“But they weren’t? They were given by a handsome, charming man who’s deeply sorry for his actions this afternoon.” The words were so obviously scripted that it seemed to hurt when I listened to his pointless plea of self-defense.

“Man. I feel the term boy is more fitting.” Lily held her head high and met his brown eyes, not faltering for even a moment as she forced dejection onto him. Her words were sour, filled with a bitterness towards James Potter that would not soon likely leave her tone. “Now if you’re done being an absolute pray, I’d like to get to dinner.”

She grabbed my arm, tugging harshly at the cut skin beneath my shirt to shoot a sharp pain throughout the entirety of my body. I visibly flinched but defying all odds I managed to keep it near unnoticeable to even those who were standing nearby. We attempted to pass by James but as we did he grabbed my other arm, not only forcing Lily to stop in her tracks but causing me an even greater amount of pain. Harshly, I bit down on my tongue to hide the yelp that wished to make its way through my lips. A metallic taste floated across my mouth and I knew that if I were to open my mouth there would be blood.

“Can you at least let me explain myself!” James’ voice was nearing a beg as he pleaded with my fiery headed friend to take a moment and hear him out. He lightly pulled my arm back and forced her to take several bounds in the same direction, only furthering the tormenting torturous aching.

Everything in me was begging to tear away from the two people arguing by using my limbs as a rope to pull the other in a desired direction. It was painful and near unbearable, but if I were to do so I knew it’d raise some sort of questions from the crowd or even Lily. Standing still was all I could manage as I prayed for their quick release of my arms, but with the way they constantly bickered there was no telling how long we’d stay stuck in this position. This was a battle of wills, would James and Lily’s feud last longer than my want to maintain the appearance of a standard student.

“Oh shut it, Potter.” She spat, tugging my arm back towards her in hopes of freeing me from him. “You just had to go and ruin everything like you always do! Just leave me alone already. I said it again and again, I’m not going on a date with you.”

“I’m not asking for a date. I’m asking for a chance to explain myself and make amends.” The two continued their back and forth argument, neither wanting to back down. Lily wanted nothing more than to never speak with James again for he had been annoying her since first year and attempting to romanticize her since the third. On the opposite end, James wished to explain the events of this morning's spoliation of the library. If I could find my voice I’d try and explain that perhaps it would be best for her to hear him out, but every time I tried a sharp pain filled my chest.

Finally I was fed up, I pulled my arms from theirs and stormed back to the dormitory without waiting for Lily’s calls to me. People parted ways and allowed me an easy walk so when I finally made it back to the portrait I couldn’t have been more relieved. It wasn’t as though I’d had eaten dinner anyway, my nausea wouldn’t have allowed me to even raise the spoon, but not attending meal time would arise more suspicion than just not eating. Lily didn’t seem to have followed me back which was best for the both us.

Today had been so long and difficult that it was hard to maintain my smile and keep a peaceful outlook on everything. An hour alone would do a lot for me to allow the recollection of my thoughts and mayhaps I’d be able to feel even a bit better tomorrow. When the painting parted ways for me to enter I’d expected an empty common room, Gryffindors enjoyed their food so of course they’d all rushed to dinner, but instead I could see the legs of a person dangling over the side of a couch.

Their feet swung back and forth in an unending tick of time as the fire bellowed throughout the room and lit it in a golfing yellow light. It seemed peaceful with the bittersweetness of a dark chocolate smell diffusing throughout the room. “Not hungry?”

The voice was familiar, lighting up my eyes as I slowly made my way to the couch and craned my neck over the back to meet the person's face. Sirius had his eyes closed with a small smirk planted on his lips but I knew that he was aware it was me. He was as cocky as if he had me all figured out, knowing something about me that I hadn’t even discovered yet. It was quite annoying as it scratched through my sensitive ears, tarnishing what I’d hoped to be a silent room.

“Is that really any of your business Black?” I mumbled before making my way up the stairwell to the female dorm rooms. He didn’t make any motion to stop me and if I were to look back I was sure his eyes would still be tightly screwed shut.

“Remus won’t be back until Tuesday.” His voice rang through the stairwell, giving me a tad bit of information that I wish to know but would never ask for. Had this been what he knew, my supposed feelings towards the lycanthrope? If so things were a lot better than I could have prayed for.

“Thanks but I didn’t ask!” I yelled back, pushing open the door to my room, his voice barely making its way into my ears before the door closed to separate us.

“Your visit to the hospital wing says otherwise, (L/N).”


	10. A Not So Alone Morning Walk

Sunday had passed rather quickly as a majority of it had been spent in the library cleaning with Lily: She had woken me up early and politely asked if I’d accompany her. Of course I’d said yes, leaving her alone to do whatever work was remaining would have just been plain rude on my behalf. It had been a long and difficult endeavor, but in the end we’d managed to have several hours of freetime left for wandering the halls of the castle.

Lily didn’t seem to notice how tired I’d been, though I’d learned how to hide it fairly well after all these years, but I was cautious to keep my bandages clean in hopes of hastening the healing process. Something that would have helped was food but with the constant nausea that hazed through my head I found it difficult to keep much down. Some people took note of this habit, Lily and Mary being the first two to recognize it in our earlier years, but every time they sought any information as to why I’d go days without food I’d shut them down. Now, not only did I have to worry about my best friend's prying eyes, but the stormy gray orbs of Sirius Black.

I’d thought that after rejecting his offer the day before that he would realize I wanted to stay away from him, but it seems as though I’d been gravely mistaken. As I sat quietly at every meal he would just stare: Eyes ablaze in curiosity as he waited for me to make a move for the delicious food littering the table. James had been quick to see his friends change in demeanor and was sure to tease him about it.

The halls were dim in the shining light of the rising sun, in fifteen minutes the quidditch players would be making their way onto the field and in an hour many of the students in the school would be finding their way to the great hall. Until then I’d be able to wander in peace: As long as I was sure to keep myself hidden from the teachers who threatened to tear away that ideal moment of restful thoughts. Days like this were just as difficult as those before the full moon, it was the turning point from which werewolves would leave behind that routine tiredness and once again return to their usual human senses. They were peaceful but yet so strenuous as the sounds and lights around us clawed and ripped through the hazed unending tiredness.

With a step up the large staircase, I had finally managed to reach my destination. The hospital wing was near barren as the few people resting in the white beds were fast asleep in the early hours but a few had been awoken by my presence. Some gave gentle smiles before returning to sleep while the other few just raised an eyebrow in question. Wasting time to give an explanation would do neither of us good for it would only alert Madam Pomfrey of my intrusion. As they saw my course to the back room the few that remained awake finally understood: I’d traveled all the way here to check on Remus.

A soft knock fluttered through the air before I pushed the door to his private room open. His body lay motionless in the center of the bed, if it weren’t for the subtle rise and fall of his chest I’d have thought he’d passed on. My movements were quiet as I approached the bed in fear that I’d wake him: Though from how soundly his gentle snores were I knew the chances of doing so were slim. On the chair where I’d sat the day before was the book, untouched by time as its decaying pages called to be renewed in a new copy, it hadn’t been moved which gave the illusion that he hadn’t yet to wake from this slumber.

It was for the best for him to remain asleep until the passage of time would allow him to escape the usual pain following the full moon. Little doubt had come into my head that Madam Pomfrey didn’t use a sleeping potion of sorts: That way he would be able to remain at peace and it would keep him still, which in turn would stop him from furthering his own injuries. Sirius had said he would be back Tuesday, but in his current state I fear that he would mayhaps be out until this coming Thursday.

A deep sigh resonated through my throat as I stood above Remus, his tall from spanning the length of the bed as he lay limp beneath the white sheets. His brown hair was ruffled as sweat brimmed across his forehead and caressed his pale skin in a gentle glint. From the soft look plastered across his scarred face I found it hard to believe that he had been in pain over the past few days.

My movement was soft as I slowly pushed several stray tussles of hair from covering his eyes, the soft motion causing my hand to run ever so slightly across his forehead. With a deep breath I pulled myself away in fear that I’d wake the poor man.

Stepping away, I placed a piece of parchment atop the book I’d left here the other day. It held several notes I’d made during my time of reading the pages crestfallen by time. Perhaps Remus would understand why I'd chosen to do things this way rather than stretch a conversation with him. We were both of kin to the moon which made any forms of contact dangerous. This would be a sort of final goodbye in hopes that he would understand why his feelings were forced to become unrequited.

Sighing, I left not only his room but a part of myself behind, the note held nothing of my feelings but the time I’d taken to jot down such trivial thoughts was far beyond how long it’d take him to read them. In several days time he’d return to class and all would return to the way it should be: Acquaintances with subtle hand waves in the hall and small conversations when we so happened to sit across from one another. He wouldn’t remember those fleeting feelings and so he would tell Sirius to back away and forget all that he learned of me.

Things were better this way.

No one questioned as I left the hospital wing, note no longer raveled in my grasp. All those who had awoken upon my entrance had fallen back asleep in hopes of gaining just a few more moments of rest. The halls were far more different than the medical wing: They smelled of leather and in the morning hours without a robe they were cold. Madam Pomfrey kept her office warm and it always seemed to smell of a delicious treat: This morning it was vanilla mixing with the gentle smell of freshly baked cake.

My mind relished in the distraction of the aching muscles, it kept going to and from the sight of Remus laying in the hospital bed too sick to even stand. Perhaps that thought was more painful than the scratched but at least the pain was something different. There was no denying that I had some feelings towards Remus, whether I wished to believe that or not, but I don’t believe they were the thing that made me despise the sight of him lying sick in bed; It was the fact that at one point I had been the same. Those times have long since passed.

A sudden bump at the back of my leg tore me away from my thoughts, body turning quickly in fear that I’d been caught by either a fellow or my teacher. Instead I saw what was becoming a familiar friend: The large black dog sat on the bottom step, tongue hanging out as its head crooked to the side as if asking me a question. He, I believe it was a he at least, wagged his large fluffed tail as if communicating a sense of joy.

“Perhaps you didn’t understand me the first dozen times I said it. You really must be leaving Hogwarts.” I bent down, knees popping as I sank down to animal level. His head perked, ears straightening as he stood from his spot on the stairs and raised his head to stare at mine. “Never in my time have I seen such a strange beast. Do you perhaps…”

My question trailed to a distant place of mind, every thought fluttering away as I heard the approaching voice of a known horrid Filch. His grumbles filled my ears and I knew that I had mere moments to make a clean getaway or else I’d be in detentions for weeks. This wouldn’t be the first time I’d been found by the pestiferous hall monitor: That had been during his first year working in the school, I’d been walking back to the common room after a specifically difficult transformation. I can still feel the headache he’d caused with his monstrous shouting, it had been the thing that reminded me to always beware in the halls at these hours.

I searched around, eyeing every direction as I tried to decipher which direction he was coming from. To say the least it was abstruse: My ears were ringing with an unending ache from the full moon several nights before. My mind, once sharp enough to answer any potions question, had become dull as the carnal instincts still hung loosely and forced a haze to push away any protruding clever ideas of escape. For a moment I could’ve sworn that he was coming from the left, but in seconds the echoing sound moved to somewhere in my left ear, then to the stairwell, and finally back to the right.

A sharp tug at my pants leg tore me from my anxious searching as I tried to find the one direction in which I could not go. The dog pulled me to the right, trying its best not to cause me pain as the discordant material of my jeans scratched harshly against the fresh wounds across my lower body. I hesitated for a moment, swearing that was where Filch was coming from, before I made haste and ran with the dog in the direction he had attempted to take me.

Perhaps running wasn’t the correct word, my movements were slow as every step sent sharp shooting shots of pain spreading throughout every bruise, scratch, and ache inside my body. It was painful but many nights in detention would be far worse than this momentary run from danger. Though even as I was slow the dog still stayed by my side: His large paws smacking against the stone in an even rhythm as he used a jogging pace to keep by me. Over the past three days it has become apparent that the dog and I had become somewhat close in a way. Whenever he was around, I felt far less alone than I usually did during the long hours spanning the days after every transformation.

After I was certain that I’d lost Filch somewhere throughout the corridor I slowly returned to a brisk walk. As it had been doing, the dog's pace slowed to match mine in order to keep him place by my side. “You must be magical! No animal with true instincts would remain this close to a human they know nothing of. Perhaps you're a familiar?”

I watched as the animal kept its blazing gray eyes trailed ahead, no longer sending those small gestures that had once seemed as answers to my questions. “Not responding? How crude, even for an animal. I thought we were friends, dog.”

The animal quirked its large head to the side and came abruptly to a stop, a leg bent as it stopped without finishing his step. For a moment I’d thought I managed to surprise the creature and finally reveal its thoughts and cognitive ideas but as soon as he seemed to realize what he’d done, he continued on his way. “Apparently I’m just a fool talking to a true animal. I’m not nearly as smart as some people seem me to be.”

With nothing left to do on this early morning, I continued to walk with the dog as it made its way through the unending twirling hallways as it headed for a destination unknown to me. He seemed to notice my unwavering path in his wake as his pace slowed to only a head above mine. We walked in an unsynchronized harmony as he led the way through back halls in which I’d never traveled. Eventually I was forced to open a door: The now risen sun shone so brightly above that I could feel the sudden surge in pain engulf my every thought. It tore at my irises in a blinding facade of purity.

I wished to ask a question but I knew I would receive no answer: Dogs could not talk and there was no way to say where we were going until we got there. We seemed to walk for another ten minutes, but behind the fake ticking of time I knew it was only several. Finally, with aching legs and an aching mind, we reached the quidditch field. Without any hesitation, the dog sauntered through the door and up the stairs to the seating area of the Gryffindor stands.

Part of me wished to turn around in fear that the practicing team would see me and ask unwanted, unwarranted questions of my presence. Yet I knew it would only hurt myself to walk back through the bright light shining down upon the path to the castle. So, thinking better, I sauntered up the steps until I finally reached the top of the stands.

The dog was nowhere to be seen, so I found myself a seat in the back row and sunk down. It was soft as it pressed against my back and the ache that formed in the scratched was not painful but instead a tad bit pleasant. My eyes fluttered shut and if it hadn’t been for the sudden presence across my lap I would’ve fallen fast asleep. Slowly, I allowed myself to look down at the lump of black fur resting atop my lap. His gray eyes looked solemnly up at me and for a moment there were no issues that could take away from the peacefulness

“It hurts. Everything is too much.” My words were muttered with a sorrowful air as I looked across the field of players scouring through the skies.

“(L/N)!!”


	11. Promised Future

“It’s too early for this conversation Potter.” My voice was a tone of annoyance as I watched the young man hover on his broomstick, just several feet away from the wall separating the seats and the ground far below. His position on the broom was no longer that for quidditch but instead a recreational flight. Legs draped over the same side as they dangled in an inattentive manor.

“If it’s too early for a talk, then it’s too early to be awake.” His words were a mock of the tiredness pulling at my eyelids, threatening to take over my thoughtless head and snuff out any flicker of cognition. My body yearned for the warmth of my sheets but I knew well enough that they would not lull me back to the placid darkness.

I rolled my eyes and put up a smile, one that held an intention of furthering a friendly conversation. My lips tugged upwards and my pain in my chest spiraled to new depths of ache. “You’ve got five minutes to ask whatever it is you desire. Though it is my decision as to whether I will answer or not.”

“Fair. Fair.” James jumped from his broom, feet clad in his quidditch gear as they slapped against the harsh stone ground. His steps scratched along the floor as his legs dragged with the weariness of morning hours: After several moments he took a spot on the chair directly in front of me. His brown hair was strewn carelessly atop his head from the winds that had ruffled it just moments ago, brown eyes glazed with a question as he eyed the large creature resting itself a top my lap, and his long legs rested on either side of the chair where he sat watching me. “What’s with the dog?”

The dog moved its head away from James, nose jabbing lightly into my shirt as it refused to watch the narrowing eyes of the buffoonish man glaring so intensely at him. I ran a hand across its head to try and rub away the tension that had bubbled inside the creature's body: It had tensed and attempted to advert the attention of the conversation to somewhere that wasn’t him. “Haven’t a clue. He started following me several days ago, but I haven’t seen an owner or any form of identification. Perhaps he's familiar?”

James seemed skeptical, hand extending to the dog before the creature let out a low growl. I’d assumed by the warning that he would retreat his hand, but in the face of such a threatening monster James Potter didn’t seem afraid. He lurched forward and closer to the face of the dog; The dark animal bared its teeth before latching its white fangs into the approaching hand. For a moment I'd thought that he had provoked the dog too far, but I noticed soon enough that James was in no form of pain. The bight which had enclosed his hand was soft, animalistic teeth barely resting on his skin in a new form of threat. Neither of them moved for several moments and I hesitated to break the silence that followed their showdown.

“Where is Sirius?” My voice rang quietly through the air, scratching through their ears and igniting a spark of peccant erring. His chocolaty eyes moved from the dog to me as he tore his hand from the creature's mouth with no regard for the anger in which it might cause. “He’s refused to leave me alone for the majority of this week, so I doubt he’d pass the opportunity to annoy me this early in the morning. I don’t believe I saw him practicing and I’m certain he isn’t in the medical wing.”

“I tried to wake the old dog up, but he said he’d meet me out on the field in a few minutes. Perhaps he’s gotten… sidetracked.” His voice was filled with a glee that resonated with a falseness matching that of the smile resting on my lips, could Sirius have falling back asleep truly annoyed his friend that much? “He can be quite annoying, don’t you agree (L/N)?”

“Not entirely.” I lightly patted at the dogs head, mind wandering into different conversations from earlier this week. Though I’ve had little to do with Sirius Black in these past few years, I had to at least favor his new found attempts at friendship. He had placed an effort into keeping an eye on me, and though that causes some alarm with my infliction, I still find it endearing. Whether I was just meant to be another shag for him or he truly was doing this on the behalf of Remus; I had to remember that I couldn’t get too close to him. “Though he can be intrusive when it comes to personal matters, he truly does try his best. If I were to describe him in one word I feel as though it would be something more along the lines of surprising.”

“Oh don’t start! If he hears you say that his ego will be larger than his body count.”

“Unless you are to tell him yourself, I doubt he’d catch wind of such a trivial conversation as this.” There wasn’t a soul around to hear what we spoke of, so high up the wind would detour any prying ears. James and I were alone for what seemed to be one of the first times since I’d met him; Perhaps we’d been this way once before, but now it was painfully obvious that we knew nothing of one another. He and I were worlds apart when it came to our social statuses; James Potter, the infamous prankster who proclaimed a spot as the star of the quidditch team; (Y/N) (L/N), closest friend of Lily Evans who’s comforting smile never seemed to falter in the face of fear.

“So I wanted to ask…” James was no longer the intemperate teenage boy who remained so rowdy no matter the day, instead he seemed more equitable. His brown eyes that glazed with a tint of harrow as he scanned for something to capture his gaze instead of my peering looks. “How mad is she?”

“Oh. Very.” My chest lapsed with pain as a laugh choked through my dry lips, James’ eyes had been alight with passion but with my crude words it seemed to fade. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he truly did care for my friend with how much the knowledge of her anger had seemed to berate itself into his mood. Perhaps her hatred for him is misplaced. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t make it up to her.”

My words seemed to reignite that flame of hope, his body shooting up as he grasped to the back of the chair he’d been sitting in. “How!”

It wasn’t a question, instead a request for what he could do to repair the situation which had caused him to feel the full force of Lily’s wrath. This person was not the same one that I’d known throughout my years at this school. He no longer desired the piffling pass time of pranks but instead wanted to build something more for his future. Lily had despised James since our first year after his affections for her became known to all, but during these years I’d come to realize that her deep-seeded anger was a mask for something more.

Perhaps it wasn’t my place to make such a bewildering claim, but I have a feeling that those two could be quite a couple if they got past their obvious differences. James’ infatuation with Lily made his feelings so obviously displayed, but yet my friend refused to truly acknowledge them. If only she could see such a solemn look on his face: Frown lines obvious across his brow as he searched for some way to repair their non-existent relationship.

“Stop being such a fool.” There was little to say for an explanation for how he could fix this situation. If he truly wanted to have something more with my fiery friend then he would have to realize all the wrongs he’d done throughout these years. James Potter was a prankster who brought harm to all those in the path of his harsh callous tricks and that wouldn’t win the favor of any person. Stopping this would be a large step in forming a bond with Lily and perhaps even achieving friendship among other houses. “Those pranks of yours don’t do any good for anybody, so if you really do want Lily to forgive you: Stop”

I stood up, legs stretching with a soft pop as my hands extended high into the air in reach of something more. The dog that had once been resting atop my lap seemed to understand that I would be parting soon so it took this chance and scampered away. It’s long furry legs taking it down the steps and away from our eyes. James' eyes moved from my extended arms and to the leaving dog: A distraught look of curiosity wavering its way across his face. My words seemed to have struck something, his eyes glaze and any words he had been meaning to say running away in a fleeting effort of unknown origin.

“Do you think I’ll ever have a chance with her?”

“Of course I do.” A smile crawled its way across my lips at the thought of Lily having someone else to look after her in dark times, because one day I might not be there to do it for her. “I’ve known Lily for a long time and I think out of everyone, you have the best chance of making her happy. Just promise you’ll give her everything she needs?”

For the first time in a long time I was truly thinking of how the future would turn out. Perhaps Lily would go on and have a nice life, working under the council in muggle affairs or even coming back to Hogwarts as a teacher. Everybody knew that James would be left with a large sum of money after his parents passed, so he wouldn't need to work as much as most. If the two were to end up together, then Lily would never have a need to struggle.

What would come of me? Finding jobs with an affliction such as mine would be extremely difficult; Plus there was no promise that I’d live long enough to worry about that. Transformations only got harder as you got older since your claws and teeth grew and would dig even further into your skin. Scratches would be more difficult to conceal as the urge to eat would become stronger. Every passing moon shows the graft it takes to survive as my own body turns against itself and digs into the depths of my skin, digging sharp claws along the perfect spot to kill. Survival was not a desire for a lycanthrope: Killing was the most prominent feeling whenever one was to turn.

“I promise.” I was already out of view from James and in the darkness of the stairwell, but his voice still rang clearly in my ears without a tint of uncertainty. “If I get that chance, I’ll make her the happiest woman in the world!”

His boyish persona faltered and for the first time I saw the man hiding behind the mask of a rugged teenager; The foolishness that had always found its way into his voice during any conversation was nowhere to be heard. This was the James Potter who could find a way into Lily’s life; It was the one that didn’t play pranks in hopes of getting attention; It was the one that held the remnants of pity for those on the receiving ends of his tricks; It was the one who was undoubtedly turning into a fine young man. He was everything that Lily needed right now, fun and carefree without an idea for tomorrow’s activity. If anybody was to help loosen her up, it was him.

If I have to stand by and let her get revealed in his charm, then so be it. I won’t stand in the way of her happiness: Even if it doesn’t include me.

“You ever hurt again and I’ll make your life a living hell, Potter!” My throat ached from the shrilling sound of my own words, but I knew they reached his ear when I heard the deep laughter resonating behind me.

“Life without my lily-flower is already a hell.” Always a flirt, even when she isn’t around.


	12. Golden Girl

My eyes weighed with an endless tiredness, nearly fluttering shut if it weren’t for the rasping voice of our potions professor. Two pages of notes laid in front of me with the bare minimum of information scribbled atop their once blank face: Every letter seemed jagged as I struggled to keep a steady hand. All parts of my body, scratched or pristine, wanted nothing more than to lay back down in my warm bed to sleep forevermore.

The thought of a familiar warmth seemed to dull the aching chill that spread across my side in the absence of Remus, perhaps if he had been there the tiredness would at least somewhat cease. Yet he wasn’t, for he suffered from the same affliction I did once a month, but instead of pushing through in fear someone would discover he had made the wide decision to take a rest. That sounded peaceful.

“You okay?” Lily’s words were soft and gentle as she leaned forward by just a bit, stray locks of her fiery hair falling from the ponytail pulled loosely behind her head. It was a common sight during our potions class for her to look more ragged, but chattering while our teacher rambled was something new. “You’ve been staring into space for a majority of the class.”

“That concludes our lesson for today!” Professor Slughorn’s voice was sharp, crisp with age and rasped from countless continuous lectures. “Please be sure to discuss your project with your partners, if anybody requires assistance please feel free to stop by my class during break: The paper reports are this Friday and the completed potions as well; If it requires a longer brewing period, please inform me as soon as possible.”

A wave of shifting ruffled across the room, students quickly packed their supplies and escape through the door. The class had been long and boring so it wasn’t a surprise that a majority of people were gone in a matter of a minute, only a dozen or so remained loitering around. Lunch would start in several minutes but some didn’t seem to care, Lily being one of them as she found her way to the seat beside me.

“You look tired. How late were you up last night?” I could see the concern on her face, beautiful green eyes sprinkled with hints of solicitude burning brightly in her concentrated gaze. “(Y/N), I’m really worried about you right now.”

I took a deep breath, air burning in my lungs as my expanding chest pulled at the healing scratches along my abdomen. The pain was near excruciating but I managed to bite back the pain, teeth sinking into the tip of tongue as I steadied my thoughts. My mind whirled with possible excuses, crafting the words together to find just the right words to not make her worry: It was best for her to focus on her school and social life, not on what my issues were. Releasing the deep breath I opened my mouth but before a single word could fall through my lips, we were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

James stood courteously behind Lily as he attempted to turn her attention from me to him, rude in most cases but a saving grace in this one. In his hands was a note bound by a beautiful green ribbon, blotches of ink bleed through as though he’d hesitated for just a tad bit too long to continue whatever it was that he had written. Lily let out a huff, eyes rolling as she shot from her chair and began to turn away. Quickly, my hand wrapped around her wrist and forced her into the chair I had been sitting moments ago; My head spun with a twirling dizziness but I managed to subdue it as my hand squeezed onto Lily’s shoulders.

“Just hear him out Lily!” I pleaded, eyes softening as a usual large smile rested on my lips. “We can talk after lunch and you can tell me all about the date he’s got lined up for you.”

“He’s a prat.” She reasoned as she tried to stand from the chair, but I weakly forced her back down. “Fine, but you owe me a butterbeer.”

All it took was a gentle shake of my head before I was making my way from the classroom with my satchel in hand and wand tucked into the strap around my thigh. It had been a gift from one of my brother’s just before I started Hogwarts, it seemed like such a distant memory that it barely seemed to flash in my mind before it disappeared somewhere in the depths of rummaging thoughts.

“Afternoon (Y/N).” Peter’s voice held an air of urbane happiness as he gave a large, crooked toothed smile in my direction. Sirius stood closeby with his gray eyes intently focused on James and Lily’s hushed conversation, it was clear he hadn’t noticed my approach until Peter had called my name.

“Good day Peter.” My head bowed as my hands kept to my side, too tired to raise even for a simple wave. It was as though Lily’s gaze, clement and gentle with unkempt kindness, had drained every inch of resilience I’d managed to cling for such a long time. She had a way with so easily understanding every plagued thought and sharp pain that sometimes I swore she could read my every thought as though I was just another book: Pages thin and worn from years of constant misuse and tainted treatment. “Heading to lunch I assume?”

He shook his head, “Missed charms this morning and Professor Flitwick is already angry with us as is, so I’ll be making a stop by there to apologize.”

“Wise decision, if he doesn’t offer the notes then feel free to copy mine!” Peter was quick to duck beside me and scurry down the hallway, swerving by the numerous students still loitering in the dungeon passages. Majority seemed to be Slytherin’s awaiting a friend who likely was still in their commons room.

“Did you enjoy your little visit to Remus this morning?” Sirius asked, smirk running across his sharp features as his devilishly discerning eyes wandered across my figure; Not with intent of seduction but more so of understanding. “A little birdie told me you left him a note. Would it perhaps be a confession?”

“Nothing of the sorts, Black.” I turned and began my way down the hall and soon I heard his feet shuffling after me. “It was but a simple few words of parting. His feelings for me are nothing more than a fleeting decision that he will soon learn to forget: Remus Lupin will remain an acquaintance, a friend, and nothing more.”

“That doesn’t sound like such a wise choice considering his feelings are returned in full, are they not (L/N)?” He ducked down to my side, black hair pulled back with the help of his wand to allow such a look of compassion to be seen. For someone so mischievously known for being unconcerned he sure did have a sense of friendliness hidden behind his emotionless facade. “I’m right, aren’t I. Little Miss smiles has a crush on the book nerd Lupin, how admirable.”

“Did we not already establish that fact? Sirius Black I implore you to think of what you’re saying, my feelings for Remus are nothing more than a simple crush that will pass. He will find someone far better than I in the next few years.” Every step up the stairs burned itself into the memory of my thighs, pulsing a bitterness through even the smallest of motions. “It would do you well to remember as much.”

He followed closely beside me and every time I faltered, even in the slightest sense, his body nudged just a tad bit closer as he feared I might take a tumble. The smallest acts of kindness always meant the most when days began to get rough. “What makes you say he could find anyone near as good as you? Mayhaps some confidence would do you well (L/N).”

I couldn’t help the laugh that rasped through my throat, it dug into my diaphragm and tore at the sensitive skin lining my throat but I kept a smile resting softly on my lips. Sirius and I had become closer in these past few days due to Remus asking such a strange favor from his friend, but some part of me knew that we truly hadn’t learned much of the other. Our closest bond was formed in the library where we both came to the understanding that there was something the other was hiding, but we had yet to bring up that factor.

Part of me wishes something more would come, perhaps a relationship of sorts, but that future was but a grain of sand in the desert of possibilities. If Remus, or anybody for the matter of it, were to learn of my infliction there would be a steep price to pay. Reputation would be ruined and the public would be quick to outrage at the sighting of a werewolf in one of the most prestigious wizarding schools. Allowing anyone to close was not only dangerous for me but for them as well: Befriending a monster made you one by kin.

“Perhaps you’re right, Black. For starters I’d like to have confidence enough to tell you that you should just leave me alone: Tell you that you are by far one of the most pretentious men I’d ever met, and that is saying quite a bit.” My smile turned sly in a matter of moments as I turned my head to meet his lowered gaze. At the sight of such a look, Sirius returned to his towering height and let out a bellowing fit of laughter. “May I ask what you find so funny?”

“You’re sharp tongued for someone so renowned for their sweet attitude.” His steps moved from a shuffle to a stride as his pace quickened to stay by my side in a pestering annoyance. “Who knew the golden girl of our year could be such a witted woman. My apologise for discrediting you.”

“Golden girl? Is that what people think when they hear my name? If I were to give any person that label it would surely be someone more well-collected: Lily Evans, for a fact, is far more suited than I to hold such a title.”

Sirius rubbed his chin as if thinking, which by his standards is a luxury not often seen. “Lily is smart, no doubt about it, but you? (L/N), your genius outmatches even Dumbeldore himself, if it weren’t for the restrictions placed upon you by the school I haven’t a doubt you’d be far ahead of our class.”

A compliment such as the one I’d been given was unheard of. There wasn’t a doubt I knew my way around magic and its innerworkings, but to say that I rivaled even our headmaster was an outlandish claim that would be quickly unproven. I took pride in my education and knowledge of subjects spanning from potions, to alchemy, even ancient runes, but to say that I knew more than such an experienced wizard was a claim for a fool.

My life revolved around my magical abilities seeing as though I would need to work far harder than others to maintain a stable job, if I require a job at all that is. The future was shrouded with innominate promises of joy and pleasure and I had learned to see past it all: For the benefit of my friends and family, I wouldn’t be so easily fooled into thinking I’d have such a nice life. If the worst were to come, I have no doubt that I could provide for myself with the help of my family's resources.

“You flatter me, but it isn’t enough to change my mind on what I said. Sirius Black, you and I are from far different worlds and you haven’t a need to travel so long to mine. It would be wise for us to forget one another and go back to being simple acquaintances, same as will become of Remus and I.” My tone remained friendly even though my words were stern with their meaning of harshness hidden behind an acquired tongue. Every word slashed at my throat, begging me to take a break but never once did I allow my smile to falter. If not even Lily were to see me like that then I most certainly would not allow Sirius to.

“Acquaintance is such a strange word. When does one graduate as a friend?” Sirius’ steps faltered and he fell to a stop, his long strides no longer echoing painfully through my ears. For a moment I considered continuing on but not even a meter away I turned to see his puzzled expression. “Is it perhaps when they speak to one another during breakfast, or is it when they do more than share such trivial conversations in the halls. Maybe it’s when they see the other skip a meal and ask what their troubles are, or when they give the other a nice book to read. Or, is it when they learn the other’s secrets.”

Those weren’t questions but a crude reminder that my wishes for him to leave me were far from met. Sirius Black knew something of me and I have my suspicions of him but for now, they are best left unsaid.


End file.
